


Phantasm Blues

by caxsthetic



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Accidents, Anxiety, Assisted Suicide, Blood and Injury, Car Accidents, Cigarettes, Dark, F/M, Falling In Love, Insecurity, Love at First Sight, Mutual Pining, Pining, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-15 07:55:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28809972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caxsthetic/pseuds/caxsthetic
Summary: There was no good ending when your heart was bound to love more than one. And up until now, you still asked the universe why you have been given such curse.
Relationships: Kita Shinsuke & Reader, Kita Shinsuke/Reader, Suna Rintarou & Reader, Suna Rintarou/Reader
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	1. About Last Night

The sun peeking through the curtain, wanting to remind you and the man who laid beside you that the new day had come. Yet you didn't care as the universe gave you the sign that it was time to get down from bed, and neither did he. Instead of pushing the blankets away, you ended up scooting closer to your lover.

"Ngh... Tickles."

You chuckled under your breath when he muttered groggily. He was sensitive around the tender skin of his neck. Sometimes it could lead to him being extra whiny, but sometimes it could turn the morning into something that was more heated than the sunrays.

"Sorry, sorry, you are just so comfy, Rin."

You answered truthfully, resulting in him to have this gentle smile on his face. He subconsciously pulled your body even closer, enjoying the serene morning with you in his arms. You loved it, when the temperature still dropped and yet you had him to turn the cold into a warm one.

"You sleep peacefully?" Your question filled the silence, and he simply gave you a hum before planting a kiss at the crown of your head, "I hope you do, you have a match coming soon and I heard from Komori that you have been pressuring yourself."

"It's nothing that my body couldn't handle, (Y/n)." He patted your head, but then stop when his mind suddenly played the memories that made him wake up in the middle of the night.

"Rin?"

" _Shin..."_

"Rintarou, love?"

He shook his head, trying not to remember whatever happened last night. Maybe it was just a dream, maybe it was just his insecurity trying to put him down like it always did.

"Yes, (Y/n)?"

"I love you, Rin..."

" _Love you, Shin._ "

He gulped down, wrapping his arms around you even tighter than before. As if you would be slipping through his fingers if he didn't hold you tight. He finally got you, after years pining over each other, you have now belonged to him. 

"I love you too. So much."

And he didn't want to let you go.


	2. Hidden Feelings

The ocean breeze touched your skin as you stood on the balcony, a phone in your hand while your face was painted with a gentle smile, never once leaving. The white sand and gentle waves could be seen from where you stood, engulfing you with the feeling of _home_.

You were just done calling all of your family and friends, telling them about the bachelorette party that would be held in two days. Yes, in a few days from now, you would finally become his forever, bear his last name until the end of time.

In just a few days, you would finally become a _Suna_.

Placing your phone in your pocket, you let out a satisfied sigh as your eyes looked at the sight in front of you. Here you were right now, on the beach house that you bought with your lovely fiancé, the safe haven that the two of you created.

Remembering your fiancé, these past few days had been hectic. The middle blocker went to practice a lot since he had a tournament in a few weeks, making you to become the one who had to take care of the wedding. It burdened you a little sometimes, when question after question was being thrown towards you at once.

Every time you asked for his opinion, he would just say things like, " _I am alright with anything._ " And truth to be told, it was something that made you contemplate things even harder. Because by then, with every single decision that you made, you didn't know if that was what he really wanted.

But even with all of the uncertainty that he put you through, a complaint never once left your lips.

From the very first moment, you knew that to be with him would mean sacrificing a part of your sanity. He was an unpredictable man; sometimes he asked you to just cuddle with him, telling you that you were his personal source of energy. Other times he would just walk past you after practice as if he lived alone in the house.

And for you, it was a price that you were willing to pay.

It was late now, visible from how the full moon already went upright on top of your head. You decided to go back inside, searching for your fiancé in the house that could be filled with hundreds of people.

"Rin?" You called out as you walked through the hallway, but the only thing that answered your call was silence, "My love?" Your feet strode towards the whole house, searching everywhere until you finally came back again to the bedroom that you two shared.

The room was empty, and the bed was still tucked nicely from where you arranged it this morning, meaning that he hadn't laid down on it. You scrunched up your nose, wondering where this man could be at this hour.

Your worry was answered by an exasperated sigh that you heard, coming from the walk-in closet. You let out a relieved sigh, knowing immediately where your fiancé was. It wasn't hard for you, after all, to realise that it was him, since you knew any kind of sound that he emitted.

Nine years. You had known each other for nine years. You could never forget the first time you laid your eyes on his figure.

He was so enigmatic, such a beautiful human being. And by just given the chance to meet him, you felt like it was a gift from the deity.

_The Kyudo tournament would be held in a few days, and that meant you didn't have time to slack off. Every day, you would come home late, practising your shoots at the school's arena. Even if you were the only one who decided to stay up late, you were alright with it._

_Today was the same, you were the last person at the club. It was around spring right now, and the night was cold. You walked through the school ground that now looked deserted. Not a single soul could be seen._

_While you walked, you decided to open up the canned drink that you bought from the vending machine. But as you looked in your bag, it was no longer there._

_"Oh, come on!" You were frustrated, wanting to taste the beverage that you have been saving for a walk home, "I swear to God, why does this happen to me?" And the fact that the closest vending machine was the one located near the volleyball gymnasium (the opposite of your club), made you groan even more._

_You walked mindlessly with a pout on your face. It was freezing right now as the wind touched your skin, making you tighten the embrace on your body. When you were finally near the gymnasium though, you were surprised by the sound that you heard from inside._

_Curiosity overtook you as you walked closer to the gymnasium door, mind no longer filled with the canned drink. You peeked inside, and the sight that you saw took your breath away._

_A couple of students from your year that you knew well (from your friends who could never shut up about their handsome appearance), were shouting and moving their body to follow the ball that aired on the sky. Four of them to be exact._

_You have seen them play, a lot of times already. Something that you loved about your school was how supportive each student was towards each other. Every match, no matter what club it was, your school would send a horde of students to give some support._

_They all looked so majestic, playing with a smile on their faces as if they were in a different world. Every squelch of sound from the shoes, every service that they did, and every shout they roared towards each other, it made you feel alive._

_But then your eyes caught_ **_his_ ** _movement. One that flows as he knew too well where the ball would go to, one that was so different compared to the others. When the rest of the team moved to follow the ball, he was there, moving in rhythm with it as if they were dance partners._

_His gaze was sharp as he positioned himself near the net, ready to block the attack that his opponent gave._

_Then again, no matter how perfect a dance was after so many practices, some flaws would be made._

_He let out a hiss when the ball hit his little finger. Miscalculated, you assumed. Once his foot touched the ground, he looked at his calloused hand like a broken finger was so common for him. Maybe it was though, with how his friends were all just asking him without any sense of panic lingered on their voice._

_"Oi! We ran out of tape!" One of the infamous twins shouted from the bench, hands wrecking whatever was inside the first aid kit to get some tape. But when he could not find any, he walked back to the court where his friends stood, "Shit, Suna, should we get some from the market or something?"_

_"Of course we should, you idiot."_

_And just like that the worried atmosphere that engulfed the gymnasium for a second, turned into a full-blown fight. The spiky-haired outside hitter could only facepalm himself when the twins started to do their daily fight, as if he regretted joining the extra practice that the setter asked them to do._

_While the three of them were busy with their own bickering, the one player that was injured could only sigh and sat on the bench. Suna Rintarou, if you were not mistaken, that was his full name. The middle blocker of your school's volleyball team._

_He sat there in silence, looking at his hand as he wondered how he could let such a thing slip. Getting lost in his own mind, he didn't realise as you walked towards him and put tape on the bench beside him._

_His hair looked so soft, dark brown strands that were still neat even after hours practising. Then you cleared your throat, making him turn his face towards you in an instant. His eyes looked straight into you, a questioning look filled his small green orbs._

_Only when you were that close to him did you realise how beautiful this human being in front of you. Your friends never shut up about the twins, yet rarely talked about the gem called Suna Rintarou._

_You shot him a look before he could even ask who you were, reassuring him that everything would be alright as you held out your hand, asking for his injured hand._

_"Give me your hand, I know what to do."_

You walked towards the walk-in closet to check up on your fiancé. With every step that you took, the long sigh that he emitted sounded louder. It made you raise one of your eyebrows as he secluded himself like this.

He was fine this evening when he got back from the practice. The second you opened up the door he engulfed you in this tight hug, saying that he was tired and needed your company to recharge his stamina. So to know that he hid himself like this all of a sudden made your heartstrings tug with worry.

The door creaked a little as you opened it up and stepped inside the closet. The air was cold, and it felt like misery jammed the whole room with the air conditioner sending a shiver running down your spine. So cold that you subconsciously put your hand on your arms, trying to warm yourself.

Your eyes finally fell to the man that you swore you would love forever. There, sitting on the couch that was placed in the middle of the room, he had his back against you. He just looked up to the ceiling, staring into space as he was lost in his own thoughts.

"Rin," You walked up to him with a gentle pace, trying to make sure that you were not invading his privacy, "Why are you here, love? What happened?" His face looked a lot paler right now, green orbs that were usually filled with love and warmth were now only coated with glistening tears that seemed to stick on his orbs.

"Nothing." He looked up at you, swallowing a huge lump, "I am fine." With how long you have known him, you knew that he tried to hide things from you.

He was not someone that really loved to talk about things that bother him. When he had a problem, he just asked you to stay with him, nothing more, not even a word of explanation about why he became so gloomy.

You once asked about why he didn't like to share his burden with you, and his answer was actually simple — because he didn't want you to be worried about whatever was creeping his mind.

"You are not fine." So you always tried to divulge him that you were alright with that, "You wouldn't tremble like this if everything was fine." You were alright with him sharing the burden in his head, and you showed him by putting your hand on top of his, warming his cold skin with your heat.

"Nothing. It's just—" You peered into his face, thumb gently grazed the back of his hand, "I am upset when I know that we ran out of _chuupet_."

You got a little bit taken aback by his words, you blinked several times until the information finally absorbed into your mind. That was it? The reason behind him looking like someone just ripped his heart apart was _just_ because he ran out of his favourite food?

The statement sure made you chuckle, he could be childish sometimes even as a twenty-five year old.

"Goodness, Rin. Why don't you ask me?" You gave him a gentle peck on the lips before resting your palm on his cheek, snickering to know the reason behind his solemn look, "I always stock some in the pantry. Want me to get it for you?"

He nodded softly, afraid that him acting like this made you feel annoyed. But you were the one who volunteered yourself, and even if he was already an adult that could do things by himself, you couldn't help but like to satiate him with some little affection.

"Alright, wait a minute, okay?" You gave him your usual gentle smile before standing up. He nodded and sat down, continued to stare into space just like what he did when you first saw him. It made you frown a little as you walked out to grab some of his late-night snacks.

"(Y/n)," Before you could close the door and turn around to face him, he suddenly appeared beside you and engulfed your torso with his, so tight that it was hard to breathe.

You wanted to tell him that the force was too much, asking him to ease the hug a little.

But you couldn't as your body felt how he was trembling by now. Your eyes widened, rushing your arms to wrap around him. It was so sudden, and the way he acted right now made your heart break into million little pieces.

This was the reason why you wanted him to share the burden with you, the sole reason why you wanted him to tell you all the things that were bothering his mind. Because he could be like this from time to time, acting like everything was fine while actually he was stressed to search for a way out.

"Please don't leave me," His voice cracked as he blurted out the words, "I love you, please don't leave me." He was someone who rarely said _please._ Always thinking that he sounded so desperate every time he said that (no matter how many times you told him it was a word of manners).

Then again, he was so _desperate_ to make you stay, even if he knew that you wouldn't leave him.

"I would never leave you, Rin." You whispered softly, searching for his face, urging him to look at you, "I love you, you know that?"

"I know," He knew, he knew that you loved him, so much that even after all these years, you ended up choosing him, "And I love you," _With_ ** _all_** _of my heart._

He started to relax after you pampered him with soft kisses and spoke with your gentle voice, kept saying things about how you would stay with him, as long as he wanted you to.

"Go wash yourself, then we can relax on the bed with a pack of _chuupet,_ how about that?" You gazed at him with so much love that you always offered to him.

"Alright, no rush to get it then." He rested his forehead on yours, cupping your cheeks with his calloused hand. His green orbs looked so beautiful under the dim light, and it was the last thing you saw before he crashed his lips on yours.

The kiss was passionate, tingling your soul as he pushed you to the nearest wall, demanding as much affection as he could get. You whimpered when his tongue nipped on your bottom lip, and there was nothing else that you could do except parting your lips to let him in.

It was always like this. Every time he was at the breaking point, he would relieve it by releasing his lust. And you? You would succumb to his need until the sun greeted the two of you on the horizon.

But then he pulled away, turning his back on you as he escaped himself to the walk-in closet. You were too dumbstruck, everything was moving a little bit too fast to your liking. He was just there right in front of you, yet the next second he suddenly left you breathless; in a way that felt suffocating.

What he kept doing to you was not good for your heart — yet you stayed anyway.

You let out a long sigh, fingers fiddled with the ring that he gave you one sunny day. You and him, on top of the couch. Just a simple, " _Marry me?_ " but the burst of feelings in your heart that day notifying you that it was all enough. It was all enough because it was him who said those words.

"Fuck," You slapped your own cheeks to bring you back to reality. _Maybe the problem he had was just too much._ Reminding yourself that he was probably stressed due to his own dispute, you decided to walk downstairs.

Silence consumed the entire space as your feet touched the ground floor. The breeze from the ocean waves slipped from the windows that you let open, made you feel like you were outside while you were standing inside.

You hummed softly, fingers tracing the kitchen islands as you brought yourself to the pantry. Unlocking the door, you pushed it open and went inside, eyes immediately scanning the neat shelves that were filled with snacks and ingredients.

"Where is it..." Muttering under your breath, you crouched down to open up some of the boxes, mind lingering to the previous events.

It was not like him to be like that. When he was stressed, his eyes would look tired or maybe annoyed. But when you recall the memories just now, the only thing that you could see from his green orbs were just _pain_. And it made you purse your lips, making you feel helpless.

_Click!_

You jerked your head to the door, raising one of your eyebrows when you heard something come from there. Abandoning the task that you had, you stood up and grip the handle, trying to open up the door. Once, twice, it was stuck, you tried to pull it with some force but it was no use.

"Rintarou!" Calling out for your fiancé, you were hoping that he would come down to search you. You were frantic by now, hands could not stop pushing the handle down, wishing for some miracle that maybe it would be opened.

But after a few attempts that you did, it didn't change the fact that you were locked inside the pantry, in the middle of the night. Though, your mind lingered with hope, since you were sure that your fiancé would search for you. _Maybe it will take a few minutes, but he will-_

"(Y/n)," You heard his voice from the other side of the door, feeling at ease because he found you in a split second, "I am so sorry," Yet the smile of relief that you had disappeared completely when you heard the tone of his voice.

"Rinrin?" Right now as you heard his melancholy voice, the only thing that you could think of was how to lift his spirit up, "What is it, love?" Your hand unconsciously trying to open up the door once again, "Rin, can you open the door?"

Sweats started to prickle on your skin, worried for yourself and worried for whatever was lurking inside his mind at the moment. You wanted to see him, engulf him into a bear hug to calm him down. His voice filled with misery as he muttered your name before.

"Can we talk first?" You stopped trying to open the door by now, letting your hands fall to your side, "It will be quick, I just want to know something."

Your lips were dry from the cold atmosphere that consumed you. You wanted to beg for him to open up the door and talk whatever he needed to. But you were afraid that he wouldn't talk to you at all once his eyes met with yours.

"Alright, just tell me, Rin."

"Answer everything truthfully."

"Of course."

Silence filled the air once again as you stood there, waiting for him to emit words. You wonder what he was doing on the other side, wondering what kind of expression displayed on his face.

"Kita-san." The name rolled down from his lips like a poison, as if the man who bore that name was bad news, "You remember him, right?" His voice sounded scarily calm, like he was so done by just mentioning that one person who was before everything — constantly became the hot topic that he never got tired of talking about.

And here you were right now, completely at loss. You were stunned, didn't know why the name that you let go a few years ago, started to crawl back in front of your eyes.

Just a few days, before you say _I do_.

"Of course I remember," You said softly, trying to arrange the right words, "He was your captain in high school, someone that you really admire, someone that—"

"—you really love."

He finished your sentence, as if it was the exact same words that you were going to say. You parted your lips, wanting to say that it was not what you meant, wanting to explain to him that he was wrong.

But every _denial_ that you were trying to say, stuck in your mouth as if you were put in silent mode.

You swallowed a huge lump, easing the dryness that you felt as you tried to calm yourself down.

"Why did you ask me that, Rin?"

He knew too well about the relationship that you had before. The first-ever relationship that everyone was always envious about. Your relationship with someone that he really respected and admired.

The love that you shared with the light grey-haired man was something that everyone could call as pure love. The two of you were always there for each other without once falling apart, like a love story that one found in a children's book.

Your past relationship had been something that everyone wanted to have. There were never any fights, not even a day filled with rage. The two of you would always find a way out from your problem together, something that was rare to find in this world.

And then there was him, Suna Rintarou, the man who had your heart since the first time you saw him in your second year of high school. All of the students thought that you were always dating the middle blocker. But one thing that they didn't know, was the fact Suna always became a coward when it comes to your love.

"You didn't even try to deny that," He chuckled bitterly, and you could hear a thud on the door, making you know that he probably bumped his head on the hard surface, "It was never me anyways, I suppose."

When he received the call that day while he was away, he should have ended everything right there. He should not have continued the ritual that the two of you shared. Maybe, maybe if from the very first start he knew that you were in love with his old captain, he would not let his feelings for you grow even more.

After all, he had no right to stop you from falling in love with someone new. Someone that, on paper, was perfect, someone that would never make you feel sorrow, someone that Suna knew so well would suit you — even better than him.

And maybe he shouldn't have pushed himself too much, stretched his chance to have someone who would love him. To ask you, to be his. _Begging_ for you to stay in his life instead of with the man who would never treat you any less.

A selfish plea of him that he didn't know would shatter three souls.

"Rin, what do you mean?" You didn't know why the name was brought up in front of your face once again. Both of you knew that you already closed that chapter of life a long time ago, "What do you mean by that?"

_But have you really closed that chapter already?_

"You called his name in your sleep," His voice cracked as he remembered how you were fast asleep peacefully, "You called Kita-san last night." And the name that rolled down from your lips, "Why was it not my name? Why was it his name?"

His intonation started to go up, little by little, "(Y/n), why?" From his usual calm voice, turned into a painful shout, "Fucking answer me!"

"I _still_ love him,"

"What?"

The disbelief could be heard from his voice. He knew that deep down, the _only_ woman that he ever loved was never moving on from the past. But that doesn't mean hearing it right from your lips didn't hurt more than it was supposed to.

You answered him with the lowest tone that you could reach. There was no use for you to lie in front of your fiancé. You knew him like the back of your hand, so did he as he knew everything about you, even sometimes when you didn't even know yourself.

"You asked for it," Guilt and shame could be heard from how you spoke up the words, "From how you asked me like that, Rin, I know that you knew."

But he wanted you to _lie._ He wanted you to answer that you were thinking about some old memories, and just that. Not about your real feelings, he didn't want to know that. He knew everything along the way, about what you buried inside your heart.

He didn't need you to say yes to the fact that he was not the only one you loved.

"Then why?" He gulped down, clenching his hand into a fist as he stared at the hardwood door, wanting you to feel the pain that he felt, "Why were you stringing me along these past years?!"

"Oh so _now_ you're blaming it on me?" _Shut the fuck up!_ "You were the one who begged for me to come back, Rin! Don't you think have the right to insult me like that?!" _Shut up, goddamnit!_

You clapped a hand to cover your mouth, didn't believe in yourself from saying such spiteful words towards him, "Rin, I—"

"I'm sorry, love."

"No, no, I am sorry for—"

"I should have never come back."

He grabbed a duffel bag that was lying beside him. When he prepared some stuff in the closet this evening, he thought that he would not have to use it. Hoping that tomorrow morning, he would unpack it like nothing happened.

But right now, he realised that his relationship that he had with you had a countdown from the start. And he could not stretch it too much, no matter how many times he wanted to put a blind eye over this.

"Rin, let's talk." You hiccuped as tears started to run down your face, "Love, please open the door. I am sorry for never coming clean about this."

This was what you were always afraid of since you crossed paths with the gentle senior in college. This was what haunted you since you fell in love with someone else, yet never once falling out of love with the first man.

This was your nightmare, you faced it once, and you have to face it again. Only this time it was with Suna Rintarou.

"It was no use, (Y/n)." He took a step backwards, "We need to take a break from each other."

"No, Rin! Open the goddamn door!" You banged your fist into the oak wood surface that didn't even budge, "Rintarou, please... Just open the door."

He was just staring into the door, the one where you were standing on the other side. Debating what he should do next.

To have you in his life, even for just a moment, was a blessing to him. So maybe, two years having you in his arms was enough. Maybe, his time to be with you was already up — and it was time for him to be the one who let you go.

"I love you, you know that?" He whispered those three magic words like it was the last time he would ever say that to you, making your breath hitched "I promise I only love you."

That was the last words that you heard from him before silence engulfed you once again.

"Rin?" You called him out, in hope that maybe he was still standing in front of the door, "Rin!" But you couldn't hear anything. It was all too quiet, you couldn't believe that he left you here with the door locked.

The next thing that filled your eardrums was the start of an engine car, and you never felt as desperate as this while your mind frantic to search for a way out. Your orbs looked through all the things inside the pantry, and you lit up immediately when your gaze fell on the toolbox at the corner of the room.

With incredible speed, you opened it up and found a hammer there. _This could do_ , with force, you tried to tear down the handle with it.

Tears blurred your line of vision as you realised what it meant for the two of you. Suna was stubborn, if he really did not want to meet someone, he could really disappear from their radar. And you didn't want to be the one he avoided in his life.

After a few attempts to annihilate the lock, it finally crashed down. With as much power as you could gather, you kicked the door from its place and ran as fast as you could towards the terrace.

No, you had sacrificed a lot of things to be here with him. You _chose_ him, you wanted to be with him. You would not let something that you had let go all those years ago jeopardize the relationship that could last until the end of time.

But as your bare feet met with the white sand in front of the house, there was no trace of him anymore.

Just like that, he left. Making you stand alone in the dark driveway.

For years you have tried so hard to never show him that you were still in love with another man. You understood well that you were the one who was at fault. It was something forbidden to exist in this world, to have romantic feelings for two different people.

Two people that apparently, always thought highly of each other.

It was a rare thing to happen in this universe. To love two people equally, to want them in your life forever without letting the other one go.

But in the end, society would ask you to choose.

And you chose Suna Rintarou as your endgame. Because deep down, everyone could know that he would be broken without someone anchoring his life. _He_ knew, that with you, Suna could be the best version of himself.

Your breath began to get heavier as the realization dawned on you. He left, Suna had left you. He let you go, just like the other man had done so you could be with him instead.

You were not prepared to feel this again, you never thought you would have to endure the loss again, the same agonizing pain that you once felt.

 _He wouldn't be too far, right?_ Something clicked inside your mind as you still refused to believe that this is it. With a hurried pace, you ran back inside the house as you wanted to grab your car keys.

In a hurry, you stumbled on the wooden rung that was installed on the terrace, making you fall forward. And in reflex, you tried to grab the bannister beside you.

But you were not fast enough.

Your head hit the ground with a loud thud. And in a second, your mind was detached from the rest of the world. All you could concentrate on was the pain rooted deep inside your head. The pain that felt like someone had taken a knife to your skull, multiplying the pain that your heart felt before.

It was all blurred as you tried to keep your eyes open. Everything became fuzzy as darkness started to engulf your vision. Your consciousness was floating through an empty space — filled with a thick static.

It was all too much, the pain that was fresh inside your heart was enough to make you want to just leave this world. All the guilt, all the heartbreak, you never wanted this curse, you would have never wanted to feel what love would be if the outcome was nothing but a nightmare.

To love more than one person in your life.

To be given such things while you never asked for it.

To live knowing that your existence only brought doom.

You didn't want that, never wanted to be such a catastrophe for two people that you knew didn't deserve to feel this way. To love someone, only for her wanting the other to stay.

The last thing that you remembered before your eyes closed was a red liquid and the metallic smell that filled your sense. At the very end, all you could see was just black.

And if it became the last thing that you ever saw in life, then may it be.

Because maybe, they could live a better life without you. 


	3. Old Flame

_"I love you so much, Shin."_

_"Thank you for being a part of my life."_

_"I-I am so sorry, I didn't mean to-"_

His reverie was stopped by the whistling kettle, making him almost drop the cup on his hand. He let out a long sigh, turned the stove off immediately as his mind still lingered to the one person that somehow owned his heart.

Even when that person was not his anymore.

Ever since he received the mail from you, he had been numb, heart aching for every single breath that he took. For two whole years, he lived without having you by his side, he was floating, didn't know when to land—and at the same time didn't care anymore where the wind brought him as he floated.

He should have known that by the time he let you go for another man, the man that from the start had your heart wrapped around his pretty little finger, he would never get another chance to hold you in his arms anymore.

It was cruel for the universe to do this. Either cruel for him, or cruel for you. Because there's no happy ending at both ends, as long as your heart beats for two men.

The wooden floor on his terrace creaked as he sat there, dangling his feet while the wind caressed his cheek — as if they were trying to soothe him. He closed his eyes, minds floating back to the time where you would sit beside him.

Four years. Four years was not a short period of time for a relationship. Especially if it was a pure one, no hatred, subtle lust, and full acceptance. You were someone that could open up their heart for everyone, loving every flaw that a person had. It was a rare gift, and he felt like his life had been blessed for being loved by someone like you.

_"What are you thinking of, Shin?" You sat beside him with two cups of green tea on your hands, "Oh, here's your tea, angel eyes." The nickname rolled oh-so-easily from your tongue, the nickname that always made his heart flutter even after years you had called him like that._

_"Thank you, dear." He grabbed the cup and kissed your forehead for seconds. Just for this moment, he would love to have this forever, together with you, bathed in the moonlight. He would go through anything just to have a never-ending cycle with you, doing every single thing with someone that he loves, until the end of time._

_"So, what's on your mind?" You sipped your tea carefully as a swirl of steam could be seen on top of it. His eyes immediately looked to the garden in front of him—one that the two of you took care of together, he didn't dare to set his gaze on you at this moment._

_"It's nothing," He gulped and answered your question nonchalantly. And when he didn't receive any response from you, he decided to gaze on your face. With that, he knew in an instant it was a mistake to do so._

_You had this little glare on your face, knowing that it must have been something big that he had to avert his gaze away from you._

_"Shin..."_

_He let out a long sigh before placing his teacup on the wooden floor. Your breath hitched as he turned his body, facing you completely. There was something inside his orbs, and you cursed yourself for not knowing what it was all about. His warm hands grabbed yours, pulling them to his lap._

_"It was about us, (Y/n)." His voice was so soft, like a whisper, "We are graduating soon and I want-"_ **_I want you to be my wife._ ** _He gulped down, not knowing whether he should muster the courage to ask you now or later on._

_Your eyes shone so brightly as your gaze fell towards him. There were giddiness and excitement reflected there. It was like you knew what your answer would be even when you didn't know what the question was, "_ **_I want you to love me forever._ ** _"_

_A tear slipped from your eyes as he confessed what was nagging on his mind. He panicked inside, but decided to stay calm and wipe your tears with his thumb, gently erasing the trace of sadness._

_But it was not sadness that was trickling down your cheek._

_"Forever is a long time, Shin." You answered between your sobs, and his heart almost stopped at your words. Right now, he was afraid that you wouldn't want that, afraid that forever was too much to ask from you. But one look at your gaze, he knew he shouldn't even have a doubt when it came to your love, "But even loving you forever would never be enough for me."_

_He snorted, Kita Shinsuke just snorted at the cheesy yet loving sentence that you just said, "W-Whaa! This is no joke, Shin. Why are you—"_

_But he cut you off as he slammed his lips on yours; swallowing all the retort that you were going to say, hands cupping both of your cheeks. You felt like someone just knocked the air out of your lungs at this moment, but filled it with something more refreshing to replace the common air._

_It was what he would love to have, to be loved by you_ **_forever_ ** _. And of course, to love you with all of his heart too,_ **_forever_ ** _._

_But fate was devious, it would lead you to the most tortuous road._

Suddenly, a cat jumped up on his lap, asking for some affection from him. The cat was grey coloured, a simple house cat that looked so lovely even when she didn't have long, fluffy fur.

"Hey, Ki." Kita smiled a little as he grazed his finger slowly to the cat before hoisting her up, making her face him. Both pairs of eyes looked straight into each other, not even the cat trying to avert her gaze, like they were connected somehow, "Do you miss mom?"

Ki was a ball of sunshine that you had found around the campus five years ago. He still remembered how you had come home with the injured cat in your arms, tears streaming down your face because you couldn't bear to see such a fragile creature in pain.

So when Kita could cure the kitten, both of you decided to adopt her instead. The little household grew at the same time as your love towards him grew, never once lessening as time went by.

The three of you had been like a little family, two parents and their little daughter. For years, no one knew that nothing could break the little family. Even back when you were still with him, there had not been a single day in your life that was filled with sad tears.

For four years, every day that he spent loving you, never once had he felt sad, anger, disgust, or any negative feelings. Somehow, the two of you could talk things out even if it was about something serious. The trust that you had had for each other was uncanny, you and he may have been jealous sometimes when people flirted with the other, but nothing at that point could make the two of you doubt each other.

But then a storm just had to hit, ravaging every daydream that he had about spending his life with you. No matter how many paths he had chosen, the storm would always come. And it would never leave, not until it was satisfied.

The storm had been something from your past, _someone_ , about whom he knew so much since he was there to witness how inseparable the two of you were. The best friend, that he knew too well it was more than just a platonic feeling — even long before he asked you to be his.

It was strange. He should have screamed out to the world that it was not fair. He was just a transit in your life, and it was not fair to catch feelings for someone that wouldn't stay forever.

But when he had seen the look on your face, when your eyes had fallen towards the familiar dark brown locks. _Him_ , that somehow after years never had a face to face conversation with you seemed to spark the wet charcoal inside your heart,

He realised that his relationship with you was bound to break.

_He had been ready to get down on one knee that day, right after you received your Bachelor's degree. His best friend from high school was there, ready to record the whole thing, the proposal that Kita had prepared so much, with a ring that he had bought with his own sweat._

_Everything had been perfect that day. You had looked so happy when you hugged him right after your speech, Kita predicted that you would want to meet up with your friends, so he had decided to wait, and he would get down on one knee when you were talking with your squad, proposed from behind as you know nothing, and you would turn your head when they were all giggled._

_He was sure that you would say yes. Because he knew how much you love him, and he was confident that you wanted to spend a lifetime with him too—from how you give him some playful hint here and there._

_But everything was falling apart that day as you were nowhere to be seen with your group of friends. His eyes had scanned the whole venue, looking for the woman that he wanted to have forever. He was panicking inside, wondering where you were when he didn't see you near your close friends._

_It may didn't look like it from the outside as he used his usual facade for the show. But even his best friend knew that the blunt man was frantic._

_Then he found you again when you walked back inside. He almost ran at you, ready to just get down on one knee right there at that moment as his eyes locked on your figure. That's exactly what was inside his mind as he walked confidently towards you, didn't want you to slip out of his grasp._

_Your eyes lit up at the moment, orbs filled with love and a little tears as your gaze fell to the man. The man that's_ **_not him_ ** _. The man that was suddenly barged into the venue with a familiar dark brown hair—trimmed nicely, a gentle and timid smile on his face, one hand tucked in his pocket while the other had a bouquet of your favourite flower._

_But then he opened up one of his arms, as if he knew that, somehow, you would jump in his embrace without him asking you to._

_And it's the truth. You didn't care anymore that you wore stilettos. When your eyes fell towards your best friend, it was like there was no one in this world but you and him. And Kita was just standing on the sidelines, staring blankly as he saw you there in someone else's embrace._

_It was such a sight, one that he always found ever since his high school days. The dark brown-haired man always had this giddy smile when you popped into his vision—even if it was just two seconds before it went back to his usual lazy face._

_You were like a lover who waited years for their significant other to come back after a war._

_"Shinsuke," His best friend stood beside him, his eyes still locked at the heartwarming reunion between the high school best friends. Or he could say, high school lovers._

_He knew, he always knew that the middle blocker held a special place in your heart. From how your eyes lit up when you were on the phone with the said man, from how you smiled so lovingly when he asked about him, or even when the two of you were on the market and found some fruit jelly sticks — could even create a longing look in your eyes._

_Then how did an intelligent man like Kita Shinsuke not realise that your heart didn't beat only for him?_

_The truth? He knew all along since the first time you brought up your best friend's name as the topic of your conversation. That time, he supposed that you were discreetly warning him that your heart fluttered for someone else. And he just absorbed the information, never once took one step backwards._

_Because at the same time, he realised his own feelings already. He was in love with you. Truly, madly, deeply in love with you. It was from the fact that he knew, but yet, he still wanted to be with you anyway. That made him realise that his love for you was unconditional._

_And he was not someone who would back down without a fight._

_But to see you now, smile lovingly with the man that owned your heart years before he owned yours, it's like his heart immediately knew the next step that he should take._

_"Aran," He called out to his best friend, the tall man gave him a low hum, "I am sorry to call you out here for nothing." His best friend was shocked, of course Kita didn't mean to cancel his plan just because of a little_ **_loving_ ** _reunion, right?_

_"Shinsuke, what-"_

_"There will be no proposal today."_ **_Not today, not in forever,_ ** _"You should head home."_

And here he was right now, alone in a house that he thought would be filled with your footsteps. Alone in a house where he thought he could see your face first thing in the morning. Alone, in a house where he thought he would spend with you, loved forever.

Kita Shinsuke wasn't someone who could shed tears so easily. But when it comes to love, when it comes to _you_ , his emotional stability would be unsteady. His eyes bore to the invitation that he got from the mailbox three weeks ago.

The invitation letter was wrapped with a paper that was created to look like a big leaf. And the gold inscription on the letter was lovely, adding a little glam on the simple wedding invitation.

**"I love you now, and I will love you forever."**

It was the first thing he read when he opened up the wrapper. Typed at the top of the invitation with capital letters. He broke down immediately on the day he received it, tears were streaming down his cheek, dripping down to the perfect wedding invitation as he saw the name that replaced his place.

_Suna Rintarou._

He should have known from the start, that your love towards his underclassmen was something that ignited from the first glance, and grew by time. When he met you that day around the university, he thought that maybe you and the middle blocker were no longer close.

But that was a false alarm. Yet he continued to pursue you, in hope that maybe your feelings for the dark brown-haired man was just a teenager's phase, a mere crush. Then again, everyone in Inarizaki could see that you and Suna were meant for each other, and he should have not taken the fact lightly.

Now as he took a look one more time at the invitation letter, he could feel the lump on his throat. He felt sick, sick at himself for he couldn't be happy for you and his underclassmen that he was always proud of. It was unconditional love, and it was he who decided to let you go two years ago.

It's not his place to have any regrets, knowing for sure the dark brown-haired man needed you more than he needed you.

At least that was what he always said to reassure himself that it was the right choice to set you free.

_"What are you thinking of, Shin?" You sat beside him with two cups of chamomile tea on your hands, "And here's your tea, angel eyes~" The nickname still rolled so easily from your tongue, the nickname that always made his heart fluttered even after years being called with it._

_But he couldn't shake the nagged feelings that he had about you. About how you seemed to focus yourself completely on him, like you breathe for him, like you lived only for him._

_It's not like he hated how you were so engrossed by his mere existence, it was the opposite actually. He loves every affectionate gesture that he got from you, every sweet word and loving act that you gave to him, it added years to his lifespan._

_Though, deep down, he knew already what caused you to act like that. He didn't need someone to point it out to recognise something about you. He knew you inside and out, and right now his ability felt like a curse since he could never put a blind eye over something you did._

_There were no stars in the sky, clouds filled the dark horizon as the two of you sat on the terrace, the routine that you two made since you decided to move in with him after a year being in a relationship._

_"You sure are quiet tonight." You spoke out once again, gave him room to gather his thoughts. Just like him, you knew how to treat him the right way. Sometimes he would need space, sometimes he would need extra affection, some other times he just wanted your company without the need to talk at all._

_"I am," He was stating the facts, making you raise one of your eyebrows, "You have been so clingy since graduation." His eyes never left your face, trying to find any kind of movement that indicates what was inside your mind._

_"Well, I just love you that much, you know." You said it so easily because that was exactly how you felt towards him. Your feelings towards your boyfriend were undeniable after all, you and he have been through a lot together for years, and you do, are in love with him._

_"Mhm..." He hummed after he sipped his chamomile tea, decided to stand in the backyard to face you completely, "I want you to answer a couple of questions, my love. Would you do that for me?"_

_You blinked and straightened your posture before standing up too, trying to level your gaze with him. His eyes stared at you, radiated a serious semblance on his iris. You were nervous, afraid that he would ask something that might jeopardize the relationship that was built with a great foundation._

_You were afraid he would ask for something that shouldn't be spoken out at all._

_"Shoot me with any questions, Shin." You gave him a confident smile, it made him produce a faint smile too at your words, easing the fear inside his heart, "Ask me one, ten, twenty-five questions! I_ _will_ _always answer your questions, I am here through and through anyways~"_

_That's it, that's what makes him afraid to throw the questions. It was just two simple sentences that he needed you to answer. The questions could bring doom, or maybe not. But he had to do it, he needed to do it._

_"Do you love me, (Y/n)?" The first question was out, and you breathed a sigh of relief when the question came out from his lips._

_"I do, I love you so much, Shin..." You decided to cup his cheek, caressing it with your thumb before leaning in to give a little peck on his lips, "My heart beats for you, and I promise it would never stop beating like this."_

_His hand touched yours as he leaned into your palm, enjoying the warmth that he could feel from your soothing touch. His mind wandered to the little velvet box on his pocket right now, ready to throw another question for you at this point._

_He loves you with_ **_all_ ** _of his heart, not even a piece of him belongs to anyone._

_But one memory about how your eyes glimmered at the sight of the middle blocker woke him up from his fantasy._

_"Do you love Suna?"_

_It was silence now, the only sound that could be heard was a rustling sound from the plants that the two of you tend together. Both of you just stared at each other's eyes, not even realizing how some droplets of rain started to wet the ground beneath you._

_Right now, his orbs were focused on you. He didn't need to hear your answer, he didn't need you to say anything at this point. Just one look at your face, the contort and how your eyes seemed to widen, he knew already the answer to the question._

_You were afraid by now. It was something that you tried to avoid, you didn't want anyone to know about how your heart was_ **_cheating_ ** _by being in love with two men. The feelings were a curse that you want to hide, because you knew too well_ **_no one_ ** _wanted to be loved like this._

_But before you could say anything, he suddenly wrapped his arms around you, pulled your whole body to his embrace. It was soothing as his hands caressed your side, reassuring you that it was alright._

_"It's alright, my angel." His voice sounded like a whisper by now, "I am not mad, it's alright, you can't control your own feelings." The sincerity that dripped from his words made you cry, Kita Shinsuke didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve to be loved like this, by someone who couldn't even_ **_choose._ **

_The rain paled on both of your skin, erasing the tears that were now streaming down your face. His hands cupped your face as he put his forehead on yours, the gesture that made you feel safe._

_"I-I am so sorry, I didn't mean-" You were sobbing, trying to control yourself, "I promise I told him that I am in a relationship with you, he would never ask for my love again, I pro-"_

_"Hush," He closed his eyes and gave you a short kiss on your lips, "You need to choose him, (Y/n)." You widen your eyes, didn't know why he said such things, "He needs you more than I do,"_

**_Lies._ **

_"W-What do you mean, Shin? I chose you for-"_

_"The society would ask you to choose," His voice was serious, "And deep down, I knew for sure he couldn't live without someone that would be there for him on every step that he took." He needed to do this, he knew his underclassmen too well, "Because he became the best version of himself when you are around, we both know that."_

_"But what about you?" Your voice sounded so desperate. It will be a huge change either in your life or his. There was not a day the two of you have separated since you were together, and now to let each other go, it would mean they need to make a new habit in their lives._

_"I will be alright," He said it, chanting the sentence again and again inside his head to reassure himself that he indeed would be alright without you, "Promise me, (Y/n)." You looked up at him, staring into the lovely eyes, "Promise me you will be happy with him."_

_The two of you stood under the moonlight, a faint smile plastered on both of your faces, reassuring each other that everything would turn out alright. The rain tried to comfort you that someone would always wipe the tears away._

_For four years, it was Kita Shinsuke, the one that was so patiently in love with you. The one who loved you and would do anything to make you happy, would do anything to make sure you were not going to be judged by society._

_So now, he let you go with grace, to the man that he thought would need you more._

He wiped his tears away with his sleeve, setting down the invitation to his bedside table once again. You even said he didn't have to attend, but he wanted to be there.

He wanted to be there for his underclassmen, because he knew how much his existence mattered for the professional volleyball player. And he wanted to be there for you, he wanted to see you smile, knowing for sure you were really in love with someone that loved you too as much as he loved you.

And he needed to see, that it was the right choice to let you go.

He almost laid on his bed when suddenly, he felt like someone just ripped his heart. He stood up immediately, hands clenching on his shirt to calm down his pulse that had started beating so much faster.

It was strange, he was fine for minutes already after he grabbed the invitation. But then this foreign feeling nagged at his heart, like the universe tried to say something.

His mind lingered on you, like something just happened and he needed to make sure that you were alright. He tried so hard to shake any bad thought away. It was almost midnight, and you must be safe in the arms of the man that in a few days would give his last name to yours.

He tried to reassure himself, saying things that you must be asleep by now, and the uneasiness on his heart was just him being paranoid over you. You were alright, laying in the bed with his underclassmen who would cherish you through every daylight and nighttime.

But he couldn't shake the feeling as he searched for his car keys—feeling the need to see you. With his heart still clenched, he drove as fast as he could to the resident. He knew for sure he could never forgive himself if something happened to you and he was not there.

Cold sweat drops started to appear on his forehead while he was on the road. It's like for every second he took a breath, the heaviness on his heart got more intense. He was on guard immediately when he was just two houses away from your place.

The first thing that he noticed when he pulled up in the driveway was the fact that there's no familiar black sports car that usually parked nonchalantly in front of your house. The sports car that belonged to Suna, and somehow knowing this made his bad feelings intensify.

But nothing could prepare his heart when he saw the familiar figure that he loves so much, laid there on the staircase that led to the verandah.

His feet ran towards the figure by their own. And he felt like someone just knocked the air out of his lungs when he saw a pool of blood on the wooden floor.

He lifted your body gently to his embrace, like he could break you if he used too much force.

_From all of the life choices that he took_ **_,_ **

Panic struck him when he could feel the wet substance on his own fingers, metallic scent filling his nostrils.

"Hang on, my angel. Please hang on."

_He couldn't believe that he regretted this one,_

Your body was limp, like you were long gone from this world. And it made him so angry to himself.

_It was a mistake to let you go._


	4. From Zero

It felt like a daydream, like when the world took you back to your high school year. Everything felt so warm; however, when you looked around, that was when you noticed something. You were reverted back to your high school self, wearing the Inarizaki jacket that you were familiar with.

The comfort that you had when his jacket wrapped around you, masculine scent that filled your nostrils in an instant, and the initial that was written with black permanent marker on the sleeve, making you sure that it belonged to the middle blocker, your everything, _Suna Rintarou._

There was no wind at the place you stood right now — to the point that you couldn't even feel anything that grazed your skin. What was strange was the cherry blossom petals that were swirling in the air, dancing around like there was a wind manipulating them to act like so.

It was strange, and you wondered what kind of sorcery that brought you here. To the first place where you first met him. But more importantly,

_Why were you here in the first place?_

Panic struck you to the core. You were terrified as you walked around and found out that you were alone. That was when you decided to run, to sprint somewhere, anywhere just to get out from the mysterious place you were currently in.

Your feet brought you to a variety of places. Every time you closed your eyes and opened them up again, you would always stand on different points. There was the train station where you said farewell, then came your graduation venue when he surprised you with his sudden appearance, and there was the place where he kissed you for the first time after years holding back.

But then you stopped running when you saw the familiar house with a sandy beach on your toes. The fire pit in the backyard made you realize where you were right now. You finally went back to the real-time, you were finally home. And you couldn't help but feel relieved at the knowledge.

Then your eyes caught a familiar dark brown lock, his hair swayed over by the invisible force. And even if you could only see his back as he stood on the porch, you knew too well who the man was. The existence that was enough to make a genuine smile graced your lips.

"Rinrin!"

You called out to him as you ran, to the man that owned your heart since the first time you laid eyes on him completely. He was beautiful, a beautiful creature that always radiated invincibility and warmth whenever you were around.

He turned his face towards you, his face showing you a gentle smile that was only for you. A genuine and loving smile that he had automatically every time his eyes fell on your figure. He opened up his arms, ready to be tackled to the ground; a habit that you had every time you saw him.

But when you were only five feet apart from him, he was gone.

_"So, you were going to Tokyo for real, eh?" You repeated the information once again as you plopped down on his bed, staring at the ceiling after you helped him pack._

_It was the last day he would be in Hyogo. Tomorrow, he would have to go to Tokyo as he was chasing the dream to be a professional volleyball player. Two years you have spent your time together with the middle blocker, you have known that one way or another, the two of you would be apart._

_But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt any less._

_"Yeah," He answered before he laid beside you, arms wrapped around your figure as he put his head on top of your chest, "I am going to miss you so much..." He whispered under his breath, so soft that you almost couldn't hear it._

_"I am going to miss you too, Rintarou." Your hands got lost in his soft hair, caressing it as he snuggled even closer, making your heart tingle. "Hey, Rin?" You called out to him, and he just hummed a little, starting to doze off from your touch._

_You didn't continue your words, and it made him confused by now as he furrowed his eyebrows._

_"What is it?" His lips shaped into a frown as his green orbs filled with curiosity, "Don't 'Hey,' me and then say nothing. It will haunt me to sleep."_

_"Well, the sun still shone, Rin." You flicked his forehead gently, but he hissed anyway since he always disliked it when you did that (even if he actually loves any kind of tease that you threw for him), "You shouldn't have fallen asleep you know."_

_"I don't care. It's your fault for being here." He shrugged his shoulders a little, making you roll your eyes as he continued to nuzzle his head in the crook of your neck._

_You were always getting blamed_ _**by him** _ _for his sleepiness. Every time you went to his house to help him with some homework, it would end up with him tackling you to the ground and just asking for your little affection. No matter how many times you wanted to scold him, in the end, you would just be there — and sometimes even did his homework if he looked extremely tired after some joined practices or match._

_"I am serious though, what is it?" He suddenly spoke up once again, making you jolt since you thought he was already fast asleep by now._

_You let out a long sigh, and somehow, it made the middle blocker worried about what you were going to say next. The two of you were always pining over each other, saying the three magical words like it was a habit, without anyone dared enough to say the real meaning behind every affectionate word that was being spoken._

_And before he goes, you want him to always remember it._

_"I love you, Rin." There was no playful tone in your voice. It was sincere, and his heart stopped once the words rolled down from your lips. He gripped harder on your shirt, biting his lips as he tried not to show any kind of emotion. Either from excitement, or sadness because it was a little bit too late._

_From all these years, he always thought that your love towards him was platonic. All the longing feelings, the cold sweat that you produce when he touches you, he kept saying to himself that you only saw him as a best friend, one that you wanted to invite to your wedding._

_He was afraid, if he ever mistook your love to be more than that. You may be the only person that he fantasized to be his lover, but he never knew what was exactly on your heart. After all, why would someone as wonderful as you want to be with a man who could not even voice his mind so freely?_

_But as he replayed the words that you said, he knew for sure that what you felt was more than what a best friend should have. And right now, he cursed at himself as some tears escaped his eyes, without him even realising it._

_From all the time he was together with you. He wondered why this realisation happened on the last day he would see you possibly for years. He couldn't pinpoint the right time he would come back. He never knew what would happen while he was away either._

_And here you were, confessing your love while it would be the last time you saw him until God knows how long._

_"I love you too."_ _**So much** _ _. "You have no idea..." He trailed his words as he wiped his tears that fell on your shoulders._

_"A-Are you crying?" You asked timidly as you could feel how his body trembled in your arms, "Rin... What is it? I am sorry I didn't mean to make you—"_

_"It's not your fault." He cut you off, sitting straight as his eyes gazed at you. You could see his orbs glistened, bringing a guilty feeling as you knew you were one of the reasons he shed tears like this, "It's just... I will miss how you always say it every day."_

_You gave him a sad smile at his words, your thumb wiped the tears that slipped from his eyes, down to his skin that felt so velvety._

_"There will never be a day I don't say it to you, how about that?" Your sentence was more than just an offer, it was like a promise that you were going to keep, as long as you could._

_"What?" Even if he tried not to show how much the offer brought joy, his green orbs wouldn't lie as they shone with excitement, "I would be happy with that, I think. I would feel like I am home every time you say it." He averted his gaze from your eyes, somehow knew that you understood his feelings, "But, are you sure?"_

_"I am sure, Rin." You giggled at how adorable he looked right now, "Why would I lie? We have been doing it every day, why not for another year to come?"_

_It was at this particular moment when Suna realised that he needed you. Your mere existence was something that helped him cope. If someone like you could love a man like him, if someone like you could understand him, then maybe there was hope for him after all._

_"Promise then, (Y/n)?" He looked straight at you, extending one of his hands for you to take. You chuckled at this, but then turned serious as you shook his hand and pulled him back into your embrace, whispering,_

_"I promise, Rintarou."_

Comfort, it was something that you always felt since you met the middle blocker that day after your club activity. He was your everything, and you were his everything. Both of you were meant for each other, and for nine years, you and he were almost inseparable — even when distance separated the two of you apart.

"Rin..."

You called out, wanting to feel the warmth that was suddenly ripped apart from your being. It was unfair, to be punished for something that you couldn't even control. For loving two men, at the same time. A curse in life that brought doom either to you, or for the two men that were in love with you.

The fact that you made the two of them become distant, worsening the guilt that you had in your heart. You remembered how the captain's name always slipped from his lips, or how his name brought up when you were in a relationship with the gentle senior. They were always thinking of each other so highly, and because of _you_ , it seems like they could not even see eye to eye anymore.

"I am so sorry,"

_"Oh..." His voice was flat after seconds he debated what answer that he should give to you— and you knew it was all your fault, "Congratulations, I guess." He chuckled, but there's a bitterness coating the words that he spoke._

_"Yeah, I met him around a month ago." You sipped the coffee in your hand as you sat in the café near your college, and didn't realize that your hands were trembling by now. "I never thought I could fall in love you know." Fall in love again with someone else that's not you._

_"Then, it needed to stop doesn't it?" There was some lingering hope as he muttered the question, "Our little promise."_

_It's not little._

_You wanted to scoff at him for even saying that your tradition was only a little thing. Because you know for sure, deep down, it was the thing that made both of you sane, even though you never shared the real warmth of physical contact for months._

_"No," It was a selfish request, because that means you asked him to still love you. "I will still say it anyway, but—" You let out a shaky breath, hearts pounding as you spill what was inside your heart, "But you don't have to say it back. I will understand."_

_There was a long silence from the other line. You couldn't blame him for it, and for him, he couldn't blame you for falling in love with another person — or even worse, being in a relationship with someone else that's not him._

_"I wouldn't." He said it matter of factly, and right now you could imagine him clenching his hand into a fist out of frustration, "I love you, and only you."_

_You bit your lips, knowing too well that you couldn't answer him the exact same words. You hid your face behind the menu, tears cascading down your cheeks by now,_

_"I love you too, Rin."_ _**And I am sorry I couldn't love you and only you.** _

In the middle of the love that you felt, you never thought that you would find someone else that could give you the same warmth like he did. The warmth that once could only be tasted when the dark brown haired middle blocker was around.

It was the college era, when he was far away from you. You were longing for his touch, longing for his existence beside you. The two of you were never a couple from the start, but deep down, you knew the love that you had for each other was something that couldn't die down so easily.

So it was a circumstance that you never thought you could feel in your life, to fall for someone else while you knew for sure your heart still beats for another.

But you didn't know anymore if it was a blessing, to love two men equally, not even once falling out of love from the two. Or call it a curse, because in the end, society would ask you to choose.

_"You need to choose him."_

The words were ringing around you, never once stopped as you were still here, at the place between life or death. The whispered voice resonated in the empty space around you, it was _him_ , someone who you spent your life with for the whole four years in your life.

_"I will be alright."_

His voice was always so gentle, reassuring you that everything would be fine, reassuring you that it was alright to leave the beautiful relationship behind. And the voice always ignited some tingle spark inside your heart, but at the same time, overwhelming you with shame.

_You were standing in front of his childhood house. Your eyes scanned the neighbourhood while you waited for the door to open. The sun was almost replaced by the moon, igniting an orange hue on the horizon._

_The sight made you smile, and it made you calm down by now. You were so fidgety before, afraid that he wouldn't want to meet you anymore. He asked for your love, and you couldn't do that because you belonged to someone else when he asked._

_But now, you were standing here as a free woman. This is it, the only chance you got to be with the man who owned your heart since high school. And you hope, you really hoped this one would last forever._

_The door creaked open, making you turn your head. There stood the man who somehow still made you feel like a teenager in love with how much butterflies that he put inside your soul. There stood Suna Rintarou, and your eyes immediately caught every little thing that you could gather from him._

_He looked so tired as if he hadn't slept for days. His hair that usually fell perfectly, now unruly, and the dark circles under his eyes was proof for your previous conjecture. But once his green orbs laid on your figure, fear immediately coats his pupil. And the next second, he slammed the door closed in front of you._

_You were taken aback by his motion. But then again, you couldn't really blame him for acting like he just saw a ghost. So you stood there, waiting for him, because you knew for sure he was still on the other side of the door._

_After a minute, he decided to open up his door once again. Eyes glossy from all the tears that he just shed,_

_"Are you real?" His voice that was usually low now even sounded like a whisper as he said the words carefully, like someone who was afraid everything was just a mere fantasy, "I haven't slept for days now, I am afraid you are not real."_

_You gulped down, you never thought all of this through. The thing that you were going to say was certainly bizarre. A proposition that you didn't even think would happen in your life. You wanted to run away, afraid of the answer that may come from his lips._

_But if you backed down now, that means you wasted the feelings that someone else had for you._

_"We are through." You fiddled on your fingers before looking up at him, "Shin— Kita-san and I, we are through."_

_You expected him to scoff at you, slamming the door in front of your face once again. After all, your love for him was not whole anymore, why would someone like him want you? A woman who couldn't even choose._

_Then again, Suna Rintarou didn't care about that at the moment. He didn't care what the reason was behind the breakup, he didn't care anymore at this point of life as he could taste a future where you belong to him._

_He immediately pulled you to his embrace, hugging you tight as he buried his face on your skin, thinking that, finally—he would have a chance to be with you._

_"I need you." His voice sounded muffled, "I need you because I love you so fucking much, (Y/N)."_

_You were too dumbstruck to move, but then you made yourself to hug him back; one hand fell to his hair, soothing him with a gentle move._

_"I-I have to warn you about something, Rin." He stiffened a little, not ready to hear what would come out from your lips. You didn't want to say it, but if you want whatever is this with him to work out, you have to, "Loving me would be hard, because you know — my heart still beats for him too."_

_He closed his eyes, knowing for sure that he couldn't have all of your heart. Who was he kidding? Kita was such a perfect fit for you, and he knew how much his upperclassmen loved you at that one time he mentioned about moving in with someone that he adored so much._

_However, he was sure that someday, someday he would have it all._

_"I know." He pulled away a little, wanting to see your expression, "It's okay." And he sounded so sincere as he said it, as if he knew it was the price that he needed to pay to make you his, "We have all the time in the world, I can wait."_

_He cupped your face, grazing his thumb on your cheek. His gaze was reassuring, like he was saying that he would love you anyway, even though he had to wait for a while to make you love him and only him._

_And by God, how you wished time could solve it all._

For nine years you had been in love with Suna Rintarou, a man that was actually so much more than what his façade shows. When you first met him, you swore that you felt you were in some kind of nirvana — as you never saw someone as beautiful as him.

And when days went by, you unfurled every little thing about him. From why he seemed to always keep his mind by himself, to the reason why he didn't want to have you around at first.

But you stayed, devoting yourself for him as you realised that he was more relaxed when you were with him,

_"Give me your hand. I know what to do."_

It was the first sentence that you ever said to him on that particular day. The time when he felt at loss when you wrapped the tape on his finger, to have such a foreign feeling with how you made him so secure. And you were there, filling the emptiness of his life, uninvited.

_"It was no use, (Y/n)."_

So why would he leave, why for all the years that you spend together with him, he just had to leave you now? Today, the day when everything almost falls into place. Right when happily ever after could be achieved days from now, he just had to turn his back on you.

_"Marry me?"_

_It was around six months after you rekindled with your first love. The two of you were cuddling on top of the couch in the living room, seconds after sharing a passionate rendezvous, feelings like you and him were the only people who live in this world._

_Such a fine morning that day, as you cuddled up with him while replaying some of his volleyball matches. One minute you were on top of him, curled up in his embrace. Another minute the two of you warmed each other's bodies as every touch ignited a beautiful spark of love and lust—right at the same amount._

_So when the silence engulfed the serene atmosphere, you didn't expect such words to break the quiet space._

_"W-What?"_

_He had this smug look plastered on his face as you looked so starstruck by the question. Something that he believed when he took a look at your face, was how you were too shocked; too happy to answer,_

_"Marry me? Would you?"_

_You knew when you came back to his arms, one day, he would ask for your hand in marriage. But you never thought it would be this soon. Your heart was in a state of healing, and yet, he threw you the question already. He looked so fidgety all of a sudden as he gazed deep into your eyes, searching for an answer._

_Suna Rintarou could be such an oblivious man. Oblivious, or someone who was so confident that your heart already belonged to him completely. After all, you never once mentioned the name of your old flame, you never showed any kind of sign that you were somehow still in love with his ex-captain._

_But that didn't mean your heart stopped beating for the other._

_"Y-yes." You couldn't believe your own voice as you answered the question, and you never saw him with a smile as wide as this, "I will marry you, Rinrin."_

_He was now the one who had a starstruck look on his face. Even if he was sure that you were going to say yes, hearing such affirmation from you made some tears pricked on his orbs. He was grateful that you said yes, because in his mind, that means you were going to love him and only him._

_You wanted to tell him about your feelings once more, you really want to. He needed to know that even after six months, your love towards Kita was never once dwindled. But as he kept saying the three magical words to you repeatedly, whispering on your ear about how he would make you the happiest woman alive,_

_You just couldn't._

It was bizarre as you heard the voices that were ringing inside your head. " _I love you, you know that?_ " Your sight was blurred, you could only see someone with soft dark brown hair, the strands blew with the wind as he had his back on you.

But it all felt like a distant memory by now. You couldn't see his face, and you _wondered_ who the man was,

" _I promise I only love you_."

The next snippet that appeared on your mind was how you could hear a car engine start, and the white cold sand that you felt on your skin. You could only see some mixed memories, all appeared at the same time. And then at the next moment, it was all _gone_.

You could see a glimpse of a familiar beach house, feeling someone pulling your body into his embrace. "Hey, my angel." The dark brown-haired man felt like a distant future—something that was only an _imagination_. "Please wake up,"

And what you could see right now as you opened up your eyes, was your _boyfriend_ , Kita Shinsuke.


	5. Memory Lane

He could only see the darkness, even with all the street lights that illuminated his vision. He could only hear silences, even with all the blaring honks of the cars outside. He could only feel nothing, nothing at all, even with the cold air that surrounded him inside of this little space.

From the warm afternoon after practice, he still remembered the gentle touch of your skin, the feeling of being home every time he rested his head on your shoulders. He never asked for you to greet him right at 4 pm, with his high school jacket wrapped around your figure, waiting for his car to roll on the garage.

You were there, with a gentle smile on your face that turned into a wide grin when he finally filled your vision. For years of his life he never really tasted what home felt like, but you gave it to him, even before the two of you realised the feelings that were being held for each other.

So why after he had you for possibly forever, he decided to run away?

It had been the most torturous minutes of his life, way worse than when he got the call about you having a relationship with someone else — someone that he wished was not so perfect in his eyes (and possibly yours).

There was nothing going on with you and his captain when all of you were in high school, only a few banter and usually the topic would be all about him. After all, the whole universe knew that you belonged to him. Even if there were no words being spoken.

Some people would hate your existence just because you were close with him — always said things about how you only pursued the clouds. One thing that they didn't know, was the fact he was the one who searched for your company, the one who waited in front of the classroom, every single day.

No one actually expected him to get attached to someone. Especially someone that was not his teammates. Even with the guys, he would be the one who still gave a proper distance—except maybe to his captain, the perfect man in his eyes, someone that sometimes he wished he could be.

_"Seriously?" You chuckled when you heard him muttering under his breath, rambling about the twins. Again, "Let me guess, it needed the coach to break them off from the quarrel?"_

_"What? No," He rolled his eyes a little, fixing his position so he didn't fall off to the side, "Kita-san! It's Kita-san." The way he blurted out the name always made you feel some kind of joy. Because every time he mentioned his captain, he always had this giddy and proud look on his face, like a proud brother who wanted to get noticed._

_"I know, I know~" You cooed at him and booped his nose, "Of course it would be Kita-senpai. Every single thing that you told me — once you have this little glimmer in your eyes, I know that you are going to mention him."_

_"My eyes didn't glimmer."_

_"I am the one who sees it."_

_"... Fair enough."_

_Silence once again, but not the kind that you wanted to run away from. It was a comfort silence that engulfed the atmosphere. He needed to be careful as he put his head on your lap. Since the bench was too small for his liking, long enough for his feet not to dangle, but if he moved a little, he would tumble to the ground._

_"Hey, Rin?" You called out to him, and like usual, he answered it with a low hum, "Who are you going to be obsessed with once Kita-senpai graduates?"_

_Today was the graduation day for the third year, meaning that after this, you and him would spend the last high school year._ _**Last.** _ _When he thought about it, he felt like he didn't want the day to end. Because not long from now, he had to be the senior, he would be the one who graduated from school._

_Graduation means separation, and he was not ready to say goodbye._

_"I am not obsessed with him, mind you." He flicked your forehead, gently of course, but you still winched since you didn't expect that._

_"You are obsessed with him, Rin." You did the same to him, and he let out a yelp because now his sleepiness started to go away, "I count it, how many times you mentioned his name today."_

_"Yeah? Spill,"_ _**Maybe it would be around nine or ten** _ _, he thought, since today he felt more sentimental than usual with how it was probably the last time he saw his upperclassmen._

_"Thirty one," He choked on air when he heard your statement, making you chuckle with how dumbfounded he looked at the moment, "And it's not even past 1 pm, Rin." You always loved to make fun of his 'little' obsession for the stoic captain, "I am not going to be surprised if someday you wanted to propose to him."_

_"Ngh, no." You raised one of your eyebrows from his fast response, "I wanted him to be my best man, I think."_

_"You_ _**think** _ _?"_

_"Okay, I am sure of it."_

_You snickered a little and ran your fingers through his locks, eyes looking up to gaze at the quiet place where the two of you were right now. The secluded part of the school, one place that used to become a rendezvous spot for the hormonal teenagers._

_But one day he dragged you here, claimed this place to be his nap territory. And you? You were his pillow, the lullaby that he needed. The mere existence that he had to bring anywhere, like a lucky charm that always made him feel so safe._

_As you gazed at the scenery in front of you, you didn't realise as a pair of green orbs looked at your face with a grateful look on his facade. You were a miracle in his eyes, someone that he never thought would find this early._

_"I want that," He spoke up, making you look down to face him, "I want him to be my best man."_ _**And you to be my bride.** _

_You have this soft look right now, and he wondered what was possibly inside your mind at this point. Your gaze always filled with peace and comfort every time your vision fell to his figure, sometimes he wished he could understand the meaning of all that._

_"Alright," He raised one of his eyebrows when he heard your simple answer, "I will be there to make sure the two of you stay in touch."_

How _tragic_. He wanted to scoff when his mind brought him back to that day. The time when life was so simple, as the only thing that he needed to think of was just what he had for lunch or how much stamina he should muster for volleyball practice.

 _Why there is no time machine or something._ He pondered as his hand gripped the steering wheel with so much force, whole body tensed as he kept replaying the scenario from minutes before. _That would be so much easier._

At this time he just wanted to curl up in the bed with you, listening to your whine about work while he gave you all of his attention. With his head laying on your chest, and a _chuupet_ clamped on his teeth — a perfect night.

He never wanted to grow up, he loved everything that happened in his high school year. To have great friends that actually care for him, some upperclassmen that he always looks up to, and to have _you_. More importantly, to be the only one who has your heart.

Shaking his head, he needed to do something in this one way trip or else he would go insane by the time he reached his destination. With green orbs still focused on the road, he rummaged through the compartment box, searching for one item that he never used since you told him not to.

It was right when the car stopped at the intersection that he opened up the side window. Still contemplating as he stared into the _poison_ that you always scold him not to use anymore.

_"I didn't know that you smoke." You spat the word as if he would be in jail by lighting up the cigarettes. He just shrugged as both of you hung out in a parking lot, too late for the movie that the two of you were supposed to watch around an hour ago, "Rin?"_

_"What?" He looked frustrated ever since he suddenly popped out in front of your house, minutes late from when he was supposed to pick you up, "You didn't like it?"_

_"You know well I always complain about smokers." It pained you to see him like this, eyes never leave the scenery outside as he held the fire on his right hand, "And to know my best friend did not even ask if am I okay with it—"_

_"For god sake, I am sorry, okay?!" He finally turned to face you, "You don't need to throw all of those sarcasm on me! I get it!" But you didn't expect to see him like this, "Shit, I thought you could be a little more understanding."_

_He scoffed one more time before slamming his head to the car seat, throwing the cigarette outside. Never once you saw him like this for two years knowing him, and you felt helpless as you could only gawk for the first few seconds._

_There were tears at the corner of his eyes, begging for him to just let it all out. You took off your seatbelts and held out your hand carefully, gently, as if you were afraid that he would gone if you were too forceful._

_Once your hand rested on his back, he relaxed in a matter of seconds. Gulping down, he faced you once again, with guilt and misery inside his usually lazy eyes._

_"I am sorry,"_

_"It's okay, Rin..."_

_"Da cheat on Ma, and I just—"_

_You didn't need any other syllable from him to pull his trembling body into your embrace. From all the things that could happen to him, he just had to receive such hurtful reality, a week before the two of you graduate._

_A week before the two of you would be apart from each other._

_He bit his lips, swallowing a huge lump as he tried so hard not to break down in front of you. There was no use; crying. Even when Inarizaki lost a game in Nationals, he never shed a tear, always thinking that it was just a waste of time._

_But right now, he really wanted to. The pain that he felt when he woke up and saw another woman in his parent's bedroom, it was all too much. Even him that always success to bottle everything, he couldn't even hold this one back._

_"Rin, just cry..." You whispered in his ear oh so softly, "It's alright, Rin." He wrapped his arms around you, nails digging on your back, clinging as if he would fall into a pit of darkness if he let you go, "Here, just you and me. Go on... Cry."_

_The tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down his face. He could feel the muscles of his chin tremble like a small child. There was a static voice inside his head, the shout and scream that belonged to his parents—a side effect that followed him even after hours went by._

_But he tried to focus on your voice, reassurement and company that he always went to. Something that he never got from his house. He wouldn't even call that place a home. It was just a shelter for him, eighteen years he lived there it was just a transit for him that he had to go back to for sleep and eat._

_With parents that rarely there, empty spaces filled with souvenirs from around the world, it felt like he was in some kind of museum. And their parents only went back to collect some stuff, drop money, and leave him to go on their own journey._

_Treating him like he was just a mere infestation that needed to be taken care of._

_"I shouldn't have been surprised." He voiced out what lingered inside his mind, "They are never there for each other. They are never there for me_ _**.** _ _" A painful cry from someone who always tried to hide everything, "What did I do wrong? I never even asked to be born from the first place."_

_You clenched your hand into a fist, trying to calm yourself down as anger started to creep inside your heart. Now you knew the reason why he never wanted you to visit him, or why he wanted to stay longer when he was in your house._

_Inside someone that looked like he never gave a shit about what happened in this world, was just one broken man that longed for tenderness._

_"I want to leave."_

_"W-What?" You choked out a little, surprised by the sudden needs that he threw, "What do you mean leave, Rin?"_ _**No, it couldn't be that.** _ _He was a lot stronger, even stronger than you, "Rin...?"_

_"I want to die, (Y/n)."_

_**No,** _

_"I am tired, it's not like I will have a successful future ahead anyway."_

_**You will be a successful person,** _

_"It's not like someone will miss me. No one wanted me."_

_**I want you.** _

_"I want you." You whispered softly, voicing out the feelings that you have been buried since you saw him in the gymnasium that day, "I want you, Rin."_

_His eyes widened, didn't expect to hear such words from you. It was just a simple sentence, a sentence that he could hear from some random TV shows. But when it slipped between your lips, it filled his life with something that he had lost for a long time. Hope_ _**.** _

_"Stay with me, okay?" It was you who asked for that, "Let see tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that." The proposition of life, "Let's race to see who would be the successful person first. You and me, how about that? "_

_What was it? Why the sadness that he felt before was replaced by these unknown feelings? So fast that it ignited a fire within his soul._

_It burned him, but not a destructive kind of burn. It was more like the kind that made him want to see forwards, the one that created a goal, the one that made him want to see the light of another day. But this time, it was not because he felt that he was obligated to live._

_Instead, it became something that he wanted to do._

_"Okay."_

You were like a gasoline for him, the one that made him feel alive, the one that he needed to see another light. Yet too much of you and it could turn him into ashes.

_Ashes._

His orbs flickered back and forth to the cigarette in his hand, driving mindlessly with a slow speed as his mind wandered to every word that you said. _Throw it away, Rintarou._ He repeated it to himself, knowing that this little evil thing could bring some addiction — one that was not good for a professional volleyball player like him.

But he shrugged it off, trying to bury the remnants of you that lingered every time he inhaled the grey stench. It was as if he could see your glare, as you sat on the passenger seat with both hands folded in front of your chest.

He swallowed a huge lump, feeling the intense gaze like it was real. Then again, it was just a hallucination, you were not here. You were probably happy that he left, finally gave you the chance so you could be with his upperclassmen instead of him.

_Screech!_

Static noise blaring inside his ears, making him drop the cigarette into the street. He felt like someone just knocked the air out of his lungs when he remembered the state you were in when he left you like a coward.

_"I don't like small spaces." You muttered one day as you put your head on his chest, absorbing the gentle affection that he radiated, "It always makes me feel anxious somehow."_

He knew that. He knew too well every single thing about you. His orbs glanced towards the clock,

**00:39**

It had been thirty minutes since he left you, since he left the home that he was begging to have. You were his everything, the reason why he was still breathing today. So why would he let you go that easily? Why would he surrender and throw his insecurity to your face?

"Fuck," Was it too late? Would you be okay if he came back now? "God, I am sorry." His hands were trembling by now, feeling like the worst human alive. Who in the right mind left someone that he loved, trapped inside a small space?

His heart beats so much faster as he swerves the steering wheel, turning around in hope that you would still there, at least safe and sound. He could feel the sweat drenched his skin and how his eyes throbbed when his mind branched to some dark possibilities.

It was as if he was in this empty house, and your existence was there to warm all of the empty room that he thought would be impossible to be filled. You were the only person that could give him the reason to keep breathing, so if he left you, wouldn't it mean that one day he would run out of oxygen?

There was no reason for him by choosing to go away. With all of the places that he passed for the past minutes, he just realised that with you he was perfect. He didn't have to be the perfect man that he thought he needed to be.

At the end of the day, you would be the only home that he would come back to. And you would open up your arms to welcome him.

_Bzzt bzzt! Bzzt bzzt!_

He shook his head to focus on the road once again, hands gripping tight on the steering wheel as the only thing that he wanted to just parked the car in front of the house that he shared with you for the past year.

His orbs peek on his phone screen, wondering who would call him this late at night. Grabbing the phone that was laid on the passenger seat, his lips pursed when he saw the name that flickered on the screen.

Shouldn't he be excited? He always had these giddy feelings bubbling up every time his upperclassmen called him. But ever since the break up that you had (which until now you still avoided the topic), the excitement that he used to feel now turned into jittery.

He swallowed a huge lump, debating whether to either pick up the call or just let it be until it turned off on its own. Fear crept into the back of his head, scared that his upperclassmen that he always thought highly of would want you back.

Then again, maybe it was time for him to man up. You were his, he was yours. He wouldn't let anyone have you, not when you gave so much to him and chose him to be your lover while you could actually take another path two years ago.

Starting from now, he was ready to let everyone know that he was the only person that you would open up your arms to, and you were the only home he would go back to.

But before he could answer the call, his vision went black.


	6. Turn Around

Mornings were your favourite. You always loved the way it felt like a new beginning every single time you opened up your eyes after a deep slumber. Even if the clouds tried to cover up the sun, or even when some mornings filled with droplets of rain, you loved to wake up, especially with him by your side.

"Hey." The low morning voice brimmed your eardrums, making you turn your face away from the window, "I haven't woken you up yet."

His brown orbs gazed over your figure that currently sat near the window pane. In his eyes, you were an angel; one that left him wondering about what kind of saint he was in his past life.

"Guess I am a changed woman now, huh?" You answered playfully, mind still couldn't wrap the fact that you had lost something important.

 _Memories_.

A crucial aspect of life for your own movie. It felt incomplete as you moved forward every day with scenes cut off forcefully from your mind.

"Yes, you are." He answered truthfully with a bitterness dripped from his words, "You are a changed woman, but it's for the better."

_Is it?_

You chuckled softly at his bluntness; from the four years you were in a relationship with him, you never got tired of hearing all the words that he said. It was refreshing to know he would never sugarcoat things. From that fact only, you knew that every word came from his heart.

Whether it was some hurtful truth about your flaws, or a sweet compliment about your personality. You knew that he was _just_. And you didn't have to be afraid to hear any lies.

He walked towards you as his gaze still embellished with the same old love that he had since years ago. It felt surreal to see you here with his shirt, as if the last two years never happened.

As if the last two years you belonged to someone else was just an illusion.

His finger untangled the messy strands of your hair, gently, because he remembered how you hate when your hair has split ends. You leaned your head subconsciously on his abdomen, mustering a smile to appear on his face with how peaceful you looked at the moment.

It was almost a week since he brought you back from the hospital. He saw nothing in you — nothing in your mind, nothing in your eyes. Your orbs were searching for him. Yes, him, Kita Shinsuke. Not his underclassmen, not anyone else. You were calling out his name.

He couldn't believe how Suna didn't even search for you; Suna didn't even call him back after he called so many times. But then again Kita was selfish now, as he thought that this may be how the universe gave you back to him.

Letting you go was a mistake from the start. If everything was fine you wouldn't be here with him, with stitches on the soft skin of your head and no memories for the past years.

_"Hey, my angel?" His voice sounded desperate as tears never stopped cascading down his cheek, "Please wake up." He pleaded, wanting to see the beautiful orbs that belonged to you._

_Counting every second since you laid on the hospital bed, he couldn't believe that after months of never seeing your face, this would be the sight that he had to behold. The room filled with the odor of medicine and alcohol, light shone bright on top of the bed so he could see any movement that you may produce._

_He held your hand as it was his lifeline, he needed to feel your skin, and he wanted you to know that someone would be there for you when you wake up. His eyes flickered to his phone that he put on the bed, waiting for some explanation or answers from your fianc_ _é._

_But he gave up when minutes went by and there was nothing that popped on the notification._

_Kita felt his breath hitch when he felt your hand tugged on his. A small whimper rolled from your lips, forehead scrunched up as if you were searching for something before your eyes finally flickered open._

_Those orbs, looking back at his face like he was the only human on earth. He chuckled with relief when you eyed him softly, no panic evidence in your expression. The next second he stood up and cupped your cheek, planting a gentle, loving kiss to your forehead as the last tears that fell turned into droplets of joy._

_You let out a chuckle, still the same sound of heaven that always put his heart at ease with how smooth it slipped from your lips. His body trembled a little, so you decided to slithered your hand on his hair, caressing it softly to calm him down._

_"Did I make you worry?" Such a funny question coming from you, and he could only shake his head in disbelief with how cheery you were even after you just woke up from the dark slumber, "How can I be here anyway? Aren't we going on a date just now?"_

_"I am sorry, what?" He pulled away from you, scrutinizing the contort of your face to search for any evidence about you joking around._

_But no, he couldn't find any as you now looked at him with the same confusion._

_In the next instant he backed away completely and dashed outside, leaving you there to contemplate what was happening in front of your eyes just now. Just this evening, you remembered well about how Kita wanted to go to this seasonal market street._

_You and him, hand interlaced to each other as the streetlight accompanied the two of you in the crowded area. He had this glimmer appear on his brown orbs when he saw a set of wooden cutlery, saying it would suit the house and added more aesthetic — bonus because you had taken a liking to it too._

_So now you felt lost, you didn't remember that you drank a lot of alcoholic beverages that could make you pass out. You didn't remember anything about banging your head to a hard surface. You didn't remember anything._

_You just remembered him._

_Kita came back to you a few minutes after that, with still a panicked look that was visible even with his facade. With a doctor by his side, his gaze fell towards the doctor as they shared a meaningful look._

_"Shin...? What is it?" You could feel your heart thumping a little bit faster than usual, afraid that something worse happened to you. Your boyfriend looked at you with guilt before he sat beside you, one hand cupping your cheek._

_"I need you to listen to me, my angel." He whispered softly as his eyes never left your face, "Can you do that?"_

_You nodded, feeling the love radiated from him with how his thumb grazed on your skin, "Can you tell me where is Suna probably right now? And what is your relationship with me, maybe? If that is not too much for you." You blinked twice and thrice, feeling a lump on your throat as you tried to process his simple question._

_"Rin in Tokyo of course, having a match if I am not mistaken. I told you that already. " He furrowed his eyebrows at your response. But you continued, "And our relationship? We are lovers, four years and thriving!"_

_He bit his lips once you completed your sentence, heads hanging low as he tried to search for the easiest way to explain the predicament._

_Worry lingered on your face, eyes flickered in between your lover and the doctor who currently jolted down in fury about what happened in this room._

_"Listen to me, okay?" He looked up at you once again, now with a more calmed expression, "Suna Rintarou was back in Hyogo. At least for now and the next few days."_

_"Alright... Then?"_

_"About our relationship," He swallowed a huge lump as you could see tears started to brim in at the corner of his eyes, "You are not mine anymore, my angel. Ah — you are not my angel. Not anymore."_

You groaned as your mind started to wander once again, curious about why you would break up with him. From how he looked at you, you knew that he still loves you. So what kind of force that could possibly tear you apart from him?

Your eyes focused on the road as you sat there with silence. Practically just stared into space, following your boyfriend like a doll as he pulled the string. Kita was silent the whole time, being sus about where he was going to take you today.

There was not even music playing in the background, something odd since usually he had this playlist for driving that made him feel calm. _Two and a half years could change someone, you stupid._ You always remind yourself that he was not your boyfriend anymore, but you couldn't. Not when you felt like five days ago you still became one with him.

"Say, Shinsuke." He asked you to call him with his full first name, saying that since the two of you split up you always called him like that—and of course so his heart wouldn't crave to open up the old chapter of his life.

"Yes?"

"Why didn't you tell me the reason why we broke up?" His grip on the steering wheel tightened, but relaxed once again not long after, "And maybe tell me what the hell I have been through for the last two years?"

You needed some answer, some kind of explanation. It was as if he put you in the dark as days went by with you losing a big chunk of yourself. But his lips didn't part at all, though his eyebrows furrowed a little.

"I did tell you."

"When? Why didn't I remember anything then?"

"I told you two days after you were out of the hospital." The car turned into a quiet neighbourhood, one that you felt you were familiar with, "But before I finish talking, you passed out."

"Oh," You frowned at this, feeling so helpless and relaxed yourself on the passenger seat. He glanced towards you, letting out a long sigh with how frustrated you looked right now.

It was a sight that he never saw in four years of relationship that you shared with him. Not even once you looked this stressed at the point you wanted to cry. The most harried look he ever saw you was probably when the two of you decided about which couple mug to buy, or what movie that you were going to pick for the night.

"I called the doctor after that," With eyes still focused on the road, he opened up his lips to fill the silence — trying to at least distract you from your spiralling mind, "They said forcing information on you would hurt you more. I should do things little by little, talk things out subtly, taking you to places..."

"Like what you are doing now?" You turned your head to see him, listening thoroughly to the man that — _once_ — owned your heart.

He gave you a slight nod, "Where are you taking me, though?"

"You'll see. You'll see."

A little smirk (such a surprise) slowly appeared on his face. As if he was confident that this plan could at least recover some fragment of your faded memory.

You gazed towards the scenery outside, gasping at how beautiful the place you were in right now. The car rolled down to the sandy beach, so quiet that you thought it was a private place. Like the child you were, you unlocked the car keys by yourself and got down the second he parked.

He chuckled softly with how carefree you looked right now. The wind blew your hair, hurling all over your face — some even stuck on your mouth. But you didn't care at all as you ran to the open water, kicking your shoes before you slid yourself on the cold substance.

The water lapped at your feet, bubbling like brine. Even though the sun impaled your skin and blinded your vision, you couldn't help but smile as the wind caressed your face. Waves ahead roared and rolled down, crashing onto the shore with a soft hiss; peeling away at the deep bronze sand beneath your feet.

It was so peaceful, like you were home. You never been to this beach before, so why would you feel like you really missed this place?

_"Slow down, oh my god."_

You blinked, wondering where that voice came from. There was no one in this place except you and Kita, but that voice just now—

_"You are such a slow poke!"_

Giggles rolled down freely, followed by a snort from an unknown person. It felt nostalgic, and all of a sudden you could feel the subtle warm on your feet, even though it was engulfed by the cold water.

_"How come my feet still warm?"_

_"Because of the sand. Aren't you supposed to be the smarter one between us, (Y/n)?"_

Your head spun for a split second, making you fall backwards as if the wind knocked you off from your feet.

And now the water drenched the clothes that you wore, sticking it closer to your skin. You couldn't hear a thing, just the breeze, you didn't want to focus on anything as you tried to grasp another mysterious voice from the deepest side of your brain.

You waited, and waited, for anything to intrude your mind like before. Didn't realise as a salty tear prickled at the corner of your eyes when it didn't come back.

"Shinsuke," You called out to the man that right now had his arms around you. It felt safe in his embrace after he helped you out and put your head on his shoulder. You were familiar with this warm, with _his_ warm.

But it was different, such a contrast compared to one that you were craving for before. One that your mind ignited the second your feet made contact with the water.

"Yes?"

"Can we go back?"

He pulled away, resting his hands on your shoulder. His soft brown orbs searching for the reason behind your abrupt request. You were having so much fun for the first minutes, with a relaxed smile plastered on your face.

But now you were trembling as you could only feel the cold. The wind kept sneaking in between the fabric of your clothes, making a shiver to roll down your spine. He took off his jacket and immediately draped it on your back, in hope that it could ease the breeze from attacking your skin.

"We can go back, or—" He trailed off, making you look up and follow his line of vision. Your pupil dilated when you realised that you were in the backyard of a grandiose house. So majestic you wonder how many years would it be to have such a place to live, "We can stay here first, at least cleaning up."

"This place yours?!"

"No, not like that." He pursed his lips for a second before it was back to his usual stoic face, "It belongs to a friend of mine. Last time I came here, he was currently away."

"So it's possible that your friend popped out?"

"I— Yes."

"What if he's here right now and made out with some random chick?"

He sighed and grabbed your hand, shaking his head as he couldn't believe you really said that just now. But then a smile appeared on his face, knowing that it was just you wanting to tease him to no end, just like usual.

Just like years ago when he became your every day.

Unlocking the keys from the back door, he slid the french door open, and he couldn't help but chuckle when he heard you gasp.

"Holy fuck, what kind of millionaire lives here?!" At this point you didn't even care if the owner was home. Your state right now was a broke teenager who barely survived college, and to see such a beautiful house that could fill hundreds of people made your jaw drop.

"One with parents who own hotel and private hospital chains all over the world." He let the door open and led you to the guest room that was only five steps away from where you stood right now, "He didn't look like it, though. Never acted like it."

When he said that, there was this lingering look on his face. As if he was proud of whoever his friend that right now was probably away (your guess from how you screeched before and didn't get kicked out so far).

"Go take a shower, his fiancée always prepares towels and some essentials in every guest bedroom."

"Did you just let me trash talk him by saying he probably made out with some random chick?"

"Yes? Maybe? No. Not really." He ruffled your hair softly before pushing you towards the bathroom, "He's not that kind of man, he's loyal and only loves his fiancée. But you didn't know who this house belonged to, so it's not like you were wrong by saying that."

"But still-"

"(Y/n), do me a favor and please take a shower, or bath, anything that you want." He let out a tired sigh and pushed you down to the wooden stool inside the bathroom, "I will grab the clothes that I packed from the car. Now, please, I don't want you to get sick."

Your face was so close to him that you could even feel his breath tickling your skin. You rested your hand on his shoulder, the gap between the two of you was getting smaller with every breath that you took.

You wanted to feel it, the lips that made you feel like there was no burden on your shoulders. Craving to feel the velvety lips of him, you leaned in to erase the space that separated you with someone whose eyes always enticed your heart.

But you stopped, as if someone just pulled a string of your body.

He pulled away, clearing his throat and patted your head gently, as if to reassure you that it was alright and you shouldn't think much about what could possibly happen if the two of you kissed.

Kita closed the bathroom door, leaving you there as coldness started to overcome you once again. _God, I feel so melancholic._ You pursed your lips and took off every layer of your clothes, wanting to feel any kind of warmth that you could get.

Ever since he brought you here, your mind has always gone back and forth between joy and anguish. This moment you felt so peaceful, and the next second it felt like someone trying to drown you.

The warm water that was cascading down your skin could not even fill the emptiness inside your soul. You lost a chunk of memories, the essence of life that you were afraid you wouldn't get it back.

You wrapped a towel around your torso, decided to just get some quick shower to at least rinse off the cold salt water that lingered on your skin. Popping your head, you expected to see the light grey haired man to sit on the bed, waiting for you to come out.

But the room was empty, and the eerie silence made you feel nervous. You decided to walk out from the bedroom, tightening your grip around the towel so it didn't fall off.

The house was enormous, sleek, and had a modern touch with apparent beach vibes from how the decoration adorned every corner of the room. Your finger traced the silky walls, not even a crack could be felt as you walked to another wing of the house.

This place was practically perfect. At least in your eyes, this house felt like something that you saw in the magazine. Dark hardwood floor with light paint coated the walls, breeze and natural light came in from all the windows, it was exactly the house of your dream.

One that reminded you of home.

You stopped in your tracks when your gaze fell towards the imperfection in this house. There was nothing out of order as everything was installed neatly in their place. But as you entered the kitchen area, you couldn't help but stare at the odd sight in front of you.

Big white door, laid on the hardwood floor with the handle splattered all over the place. You unconsciously held your breath, feeling like the fresh air around you turned into a suffocating smoke.

_"I am sorry."_

No, when you tried to pursue your memories to come back, this was something that you didn't want to have.

_"I should have never come back."_

"Rin," You whispered his name, seeing a glimpse of his hair, some kind of illusion. "Rin, I am the one who—" Your legs feel wobbly all of a sudden, so you decided to lean yourself on the wall, "I am the one at fault."

_"Slow down, oh my god."_

_How could you? You were finally here with your fianc_ é _, inside the house that the two of you had been eyeing for since he slid the diamond ring on your finger. The one that made you scream when you saw the advertisement on the television._

_"You are such a slow poke!"_

_As much as he wanted to retort, he couldn't help but choose to smile with how you looked so jovial right now. It was as if there was no burden in your shoulder, like the fact this would be your forever home with him made you shine even brighter than usual._

_Your shoes were cluttered so you could enjoy the hot sand with your bare feet. He could only shake his head with how childish you looked, both feet buried in the sand to steady yourself as the waves collided with your legs._

_You stood there with a smug look on your face, feeling like you just won a million dollar lottery due to how your stance didn't falter at all. While he decided to keep some distance from the gentle waves that could possibly splash him._

_It was not in his agenda to play around at the beach today, but he just couldn't resist the pleading look on your face once he turned the key that led to the backyard._

_"Rinrin, join me."_

_You turned to face him, holding out your hand for him to hold. He didn't want to, he didn't want to feel the grain slip through his skin. But he was too in love with you, and his body moved on its own to reach for your hand._

_The broad smile on your face once he interlaced his hand with yours made everything worth it. He walked closer, wanting to stand beside you as he gazed to the endless open water._

_But then his feet slipped, making him fall as splashes of water freeze his skin. With reflex, he let your hand go so you didn't have to feel the grain seeping through his clothes. He expected you to maybe laugh at him, and helped him to stand up, knowing so well that you wouldn't let this slide._

_Yet you surprised him._

_You decided to fall on his embrace instead, burying your head at the crook of his neck. He wrapped his arms around you in an instant, raising one of his eyebrows as he wondered why would you want to taste the cold water._

_"What are you doing?" He searched for your face, "You are now drenched, don't you understand that?"_

_A chuckle slipped from your lips as you looked up to face him. He subconsciously gripped your waist, pulling you even closer towards his body. It was something inside your eyes that twinkled every time you looked at him. And it drew him towards you, like a bee who searched for a sweet nectar._

_One that he wanted to come back to, every single day._

_"So what?" You booped his nose, making him scrunched up since he could smell the intense brine from your finger, "It's not like it's that cold!"_

_"It is cold."_

_"Not when you embrace me like this."_

_He widened his eyes from your blunt words. There was no mischievous tone in your voice, just pure thought that you had in your mind. Suna was not someone who could blush so easily, but every time you made him feel flustered, his ear always turned into a soft shade of red._

_"You idiot." You laughed, "Sadly, my idiot." He was now the one who hid his face at the crook of your neck, didn't want you to see the impact that you had on him._

_But you knew, you knew the impact of your existence._

_With a gentle smile on your face, you slipped your hand in between his strands of hair, caressing it gently like what you always did since high school. Right now, even with the cold water seeping the fabrics of your clothes, even with the white sands felt itchy on the skin, or with how the wind tried to send a shiver down your spine._

_The two of you sat there without a care in the world. Safe, in each other's embrace._

Safe, you didn't feel safe at all as you fell to the hardwood floor. Chest heavening with how the memories flooding inside your mind with full force, didn't give you a break from all the hurtful truth that this house had witnessed.

You felt numb, ears deafening with silence as you clamped your mouth. That time you couldn't even see his face. But from how betrayed his voice was, how a little sob slipped in between the words, you knew the torment that his heart felt.

And it was worse because you were the one who caused it.

You couldn't feel when Kita draped another layer of towel to cover your skin, trying to bring you back to reality. He slid himself right in front of you, lips moving as he pronounced your name.

But you could only see it, you could only see how worried he looked while his gaze pierced into your soul. There was no voice of his that could penetrate your eardrums, just silence. It was as if the deity took the sense of your hearing as you just stared into him with empty eyes.

"...Call..."

Little by little, you tried to swallow down all of the guilt that tried to crawl in your throat.

"...Got a call..."

Another word finally slipped through your senses, making you gasp when you could hear the sentence coming from his lips.

"Can you hear me? I got a call—"

One syllable turned into a word. One word turned into a full sentence. His comforting tone pushed you back, so patient until finally you could even hear the extreme waves colliding into each other.

"I got a call from _Suna_."


	7. Back to Him

**Playlist: Not Today - Imagine Dragons**

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ༶• ┈┈ ⛧ ┈ ♛ ♛ ┈ ⛧ ┈┈ •༶ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

The first time he said that he wanted to grow old with you; it sounded like he blurted it out just on the spur of the moment. You still remember that moment as if it happened yesterday. Everyone already went home, some talking to their old classmates, stretching the moment. After all, who knows where life would take them in the future.

One day in spring, he dragged you to the volleyball gymnasium where he spent most of his high school time. You were actually surprised with how it wasn't occupied by maybe Atsumu or Ginjima, knowing how much both of them always stick around longer for practice (more like Ginjima being forced since Osamu would stop after an hour or two).

You sat on the same bench every day. The same one where you wrapped his injured hand for the first time. You never once tried to get his attention. Once you were done with your _duty_ , you just gave him a small smile and strode away to go home.

What you never expected was how the middle blocker ran up to you. He didn't call you out, he didn't even know your name at that time. But once his pace matched yours and he finally took a proper look at your face, he was the one who craved for some attention from you.

_"So, you and Atsumu will be in the same club?" You raised your volume a little as he was at the opposite end of the gym, chasing the volleyball that bounced further than he predicted._

_"Huh? I don't know." He eventually gets a hold of the ball before running back to you, "We are scouted, there will be some training and such, I don't know."_

_You raised one of your eyebrows, didn't quite understand about why he looked like he had no interest in his own future. It was a contrast to how much extra practice that he had done, or how he looked so excited when there was a volleyball match on the television._

_"Where's the radiance?" You blurted out, "Why did your orbs look so gloomy?" He was taken aback by your question, rolling his eyes as he threw the volleyball to the wall. Childlike—forceful and pouty._

_"Because I hate it."_

_**Hate** _ _. Hate was such a strong word, especially coming from his lips. The only thing that you remembered he hated was that new brand of chuupet, saying one of the flavours smelled like dead cockroaches (that sometimes still make you wonder how the hell he knew that)._

_"What? You don't mean that," You stood up, didn't bother to dust your skirt as you walked up to your best friend, "Rin, what is it that you hate? It's not volleyball, right?" He jerked his head to face you, pursing his lips at your question._

_"Of course not—shit!" He blocked the ball that was bouncing back to your direction, accidentally pushing you to the side, "Sorry." His shoulder slumped (much more than usual) when he realised you almost fell because of him._

_"Don't think too much about it."_

_He looked to the ground like it was the most interesting view in the room. You waited for him to open up to you, something that rarely happened actually. But he didn't move an inch to indicate that he wanted to ignore the question and asked to sleep on your lap like usual, or even better if you let him crash at your house._

_"I hate today." He pocketed both hands on his school blazer, "I hate this probably the last time I would touch the volleyball here. I hate that I couldn't tease the twins to rile them up even more. I hate that my camera roll wouldn't be filled with the team's shenanigans."_

_This was the longest confession that he ever said to you. Usually, he only said one or two words, sometimes even worse with him just keeping his mouth shut. So you listened, every single affricate that he uttered, "But from all of that I hate that you wouldn't be there to wait for me at the school gate."_

_Oh? What was that? Why did you feel like he just confessed his feelings towards you?_

_Ever since you became his closest friend, it was just natural for you to wait for him at the school gate. Even if he was late and the security told you to go inside, you always waited for him. You didn't know why, it started because you feel like it was a mundane thing to do for a friend. Then you became addicted with how his eyes lit up immediately at the sight of you._

_"So, you like my company?" You asked timidly, and he just answered with a lazy shrug._

_"I like you as a whole, you are—"_ _**Yes?** _ _"—you are my best friend."_ _**Ah, of course,** _ _"I don't know what would happen to me if I didn't run to catch your name."_

_You giggled, trying to coat a pang in your heart with some joy instead._ _**I don't need that,** _ _Reminiscing that time, he didn't look tired at all even with sweat all over his skin._ _**I don't need certainty,** _ _He was just there all of a sudden, the beautiful creature that didn't look any less with how messy his hair was._

_**I don't need to know that he loves me, I will still love him anyway.** _

_"Well, look where we are now." You clapped your hand, rubbing the palms together, "A man, and a woman. The best friend of the lifetime." You averted your gaze to the side as you said that, missing the pained look that glazed on his face for a second._

_It was just quiet now as the two of you stood there like awkward teenagers in love. Well, both of you were indeed teenagers that were stupidly in love with each other. Yet too cowardly to even say anything._

_"You said that it will be you and me." He said softly, remembering the words that you utter that day in the parking lot, "You and me, racing to be a successful person." The words rang to the entire gymnasium as he clung to the words, "That's what you promised to me, right?"_

_A flicker of hope appeared inside the sharp green orbs, gazing at you as he searched for another affirmation — even though it was something that you always gave to him every single day. But he would never get enough of you, he needed those words to keep moving forward._

_"Yes, that's what I promised you." You stepped closer, "So you better be there, every day. I will message you every single day and you have to answer me, okay? You have to!" It was an annoying demand, but you said it all from the bottom of your heart._

_If it's anyone else who spat the words he probably just shrug it off, turning his back and leaving the place._

_But then again it was you, the only person that captured his heart, the anchor of his life._

_He eyed you with an amused look on his face, scrutinizing your figure in a subtle way. You had one hand balled into a fist, while your orbs never once left his face. The energy that you radiated always made him feel better, like no matter what happened, as long as you breathe the air on this earth — he would survive._

_"I will, I will." He rested his palm on your hair, caressing it gently. "I want that. I want to see tomorrow together." Another promise, but now he was the one who made it, "I want to grow old with you."_

_Your eyes widened from his promise, too dumbstruck as you couldn't believe that he was the one who gave you the affirmation. One that made you teared up, "As long as you are there, though."_

_"I will be there," You answered steadfastly, didn't even let a second pass, "I will be there on every tomorrow."_

A tear dropped from the corner of your eyes as some old memories replayed inside your mind. You were afraid that someday it would be taken away from you, all of those scenes of life that usually stayed on the corner of your head.

You were nervous, didn't know what you were going to say once you finally saw him eye to eye. Even though he said that he wanted to take a break from you, you couldn't help but rush to the shared bedroom before you go; slipping the diamond ring that _hopefully_ would turn into a sophisticated platinum band like how the two of you planned it before.

Kita glanced at your figure every few seconds, letting out a sigh from the tense atmosphere that surrounded the small space of his car. You fiddled on the ring, biting your lips as your mind wandered, trying to predominate yourself with the thought of your first love.

"It's going to be alright," He whispered, "You and Suna, the two of you would be alright." Didn't care about his own heartache as he voiced the words out from his lips, "You can talk everything out with him."

You parted your lips, wanting to say at least a response of gratitude. Yet nothing came out, all the words stuck on your throat. Kita knew this, he didn't need to hear anything from you, you knew how grateful you were for everything.

And because you knew him too, you decided to close your lips and keep the response to yourself for now.

Looking out the window, your eyes caught the tall familiar building that belonged to Suna's family. You remembered how the first time you went here and checked the listing price you wanted to run away from this exclusive place and never come back.

But the perks of being his fiancée, you didn't have to pay a cent as everything was paid by his parents. They were always grateful for your existence since they said you made him feel alive (and at some point you just want to spout the words that he would be alive since childhood if only he got some amount of affection from them).

Though, you always looked so proper in front of their eyes. Even though you were not someone from another rich family or someone with high status—what they knew was the fact you were _significant_ through their son's eyes, and that was enough.

The valet took the car keys from Kita as you got down from the car and walked up towards the main entrance. He held out the door for you, knowing how you wanted to keep yourself lowkey as you were here.

The employees and a lot of people knew who you were, _the princess._ One that everyone always wanted to greet due to the warmth that you always radiate for everyone. But for today, you didn't want to be recognized at all.

Even though you had your head hanging low and had your senior to cover you as he walked first, you still could feel some pair of eyes glancing towards you once in a while. A murmur of speculation, one that sometimes turned into gossip.

But you shook your head and decided to just focus on the environment, feeling like dwelling wouldn't help much for the meeting that you were going to have.

The hallway was like something that you saw in a futuristic movie. Everything that could glow, did glow. There was some metallic colour, sleek floors and the art on the walls were all natural images or real photographs.

When you breathed in, you could smell a pure fragrance. Not extremely sterile that could make you feel more ill, it's just clean. In the background played music at the right level that could lift up the emotion from everyone in the hallway. But the best part was the ceiling, clear and high arched—like you were standing out in the open without the risk of getting cold.

Despite the fact you have been here a lot of times more than Kita, he was the one who knew what room your fiancé was right now. You were anxious actually, you didn't know whether Rintarou wanted to meet you or not.

After all, he only called Kita, and you were not invited from the start. But the light grey-haired man insisted you to come with him, saying things that one way or another, you needed to confront whatever happened between you and the professional volleyball player.

"This is the room."

Stopping in front of the door that was located at the end of the hallway, you remembered well that this was the luxurious one where you or any other family member would be at.

The sweet chocolate orbs gazing on your face to check up on you one more time, making sure that you were ready. You gave him a slight nod, and that was the only thing he needed before knocking the sleek door with his knuckle.

There were some rowdy familiar voices that came from inside the room, a chaotic one that felt so nostalgic. It didn't stop even when the door creaked open, revealing the blonde setter that had his orbs widened at the sight of his old captain.

"Kita-san!" He looked so excited, giddy and happy to see another old friend, "Suna didn't tell us that you were going to be here!" The setter chuckled, but it died down gradually when his gaze locked on yours.

Before he could mention your name, you put your index finger in front of your lips, making him shut his mouth in an instance. His gaze back towards your company, hoping for any kind of explanation, maybe a subtle one.

"Let the door open slightly." Kita muttered as he walked past the setter, leaving you there with the confused high school friend of yours.

You shared a glance with him, smirking a little as you knew he really wanted to spill some joke and banter like old times, but couldn't because if he lingered just a little bit too long the others would wonder why he stayed outside.

Tipping your head to the side, you tell him nonverbally to go inside once again but making sure that he didn't close the door completely. He gave you a nod before joining his friends, making you stand there alone.

Listening to the conversation inside, you closed your eyes as you imagined how it was inside the room. There was this gentle voice of Kita as the one who he talked to sounded a little bit muffled. Then a low, mature, brotherly tone that belonged to none other than Ojiro Aran. It made you smile as you could see some interaction between the two upperclassmen—another great thing when you hear the cheery voice of Akagi.

On the other side, some people were bickering. It didn't need some genius to know who that would be. The famous Miya Twins, the brothers who always wanted to choke each other but praised one another when they were distant. Ginjima's voice could be heard too, like usual commenting onthe nosy brothers.

It felt so warm even from where you stood right now. You couldn't see anyone, but that was enough to picture whatever happened inside the room. The senior probably talked near the windowpane, sharing about their own activity these days. Some of the guys your age would occupy the table where the employee put some foods and beverages.

You could see it perfectly as each of them circled around the bed, sending a warm greeting toward anyone who would now be laying there.

_Who?_

Your eyes widened at the realisation, hearts thumping when you realised you didn't even picture Rintarou in your imagination, you didn't even hear his voice, maybe he was the one who sounded muffled before. But then again your mind filled with another question.

It was as if your body was possessed by someone else as you barge through the door with concern written all over your face. The sound that you made caused everyone in the room to look at you.

_Why?_

You didn't care how some of them looked confused, or how some of them were just pure surprised from your sudden appearance. Kita could only let out a weary sigh once you stood there with your mouth hanging open, he didn't know how to tell you this.

What you never wanted to see was the look of horror from the green orbs that belonged to your fiancé, staring at your uninvited figure. But you were standing there too, didn't expect to see him to be the one who laid on the _hospital bed._

"Why are you here?" Was that anger that dripped from his mouth? Or was it just disbelief as he felt afraid that you were not really here in front of him? Either way, you couldn't really pinpoint the look inside his eyes, and everyone could only gawk at the tense atmosphere.

It was Ojiro who decided to stand up from the chair, walking out from the room to give you and Rintarou some space. The tall upperclassmen walked past you, patting your shoulder and gave you a warm smile before tilting his head to the others, asking for the others to follow him.

With that, all of your friends walked towards the door, some greeted you, some gave you a gentle smile. And just like that, the once nosy room that filled with banter and jokes, now turned into a melancholy setting as it was just you, your fiancé, and your ex-lover who still dwell in the room.

The green orbs that belonged to your fiancé flickered gently in between the only woman that he ever loved, and one perfect man that he respected so much — who apparently, still in love with you too.

"I am sorry, Suna." An apology came out from the light grey-haired man, "I didn't tell you that she was with me."

_You were with him. Why were you with him?_

Suna swallowed a huge lump and gave his upperclassmen a simple nod of acknowledgement. His mind still could not wrap the fact that his fiancée, you, were staying with the man that he thought you already left since years ago.

"Shinsuke didn't do anything wrong." You spoke up, even how the first name rolled down your tongue really left Suna with a pang on his chest, "He saved me and wanted the best for us, Rin."

Kita Shinsuke saved you, from what — he didn't know right now. But whatever it was, he wanted to find out what exactly happened for the past days he was apart from you.

"Kita-san," He called out, "I need to talk to (Y/n)."

With those words, the upperclassmen nodded at him before walking towards the door. He could see how Kita glanced at you with worry, added with the same affection that he saw years ago.

The realisation made him frown as he wondered if he never asked for your love, maybe by now you lived without constant doubt. Maybe you would already be married to the man who treated you like you were his everything.

It was not like Suna treated you any less, but he always thought that whatever he did was not enough. Affection was foreign for him. Most of the times when it came to love he only knew how to receive, how to ask for it. But giving, giving and showing you how much he loved you had always beeen his struggle.

With the door being closed, you stood there timidly, fingers fiddling on the ring that he gave you. You were afraid, that was what he concluded from how you couldn't even look at him in the eye by now.

"Hey," His voice was low, but that was enough to make you finally look at him, "Come here." He patted the empty spot on the bed, "Let's talk."

You gave him a slight nod before sitting at the place he wanted you to. If the two of you were in a better predicament, you would hug him so tight, perhaps crying at the crook of his neck from how worried you were.

However once you sat there, it felt like someone just stole your voice away. There were so many things that you wanted to ask, so many things that were left unsaid. Yet nothing came out and you could only curse at yourself.

"I am sorry," He grabbed your hand, "I am sorry I left you like that." Usually, you were the one who would comfort him after the two of you fought. You were the one who would put your hand on top of him, pulling him on your embrace.

But not today, not when he felt like he was the cause of your dubious future.

"It's not your fault." You sighed, free hand tugging at your own hair from frustration, "I am the one prancing around having feelings for somebody else even though I have you."

He wanted to agree on that, knowing well that you indeed belonged to him, yet keeping the love that you had for your ex-lover.

And you? You wished that there was some kind of medicine that could erase the cursed feelings. Because your existence right now brought doom to both men that apparently stole your heart.

You jolted a little when the back of his hand grazed your cheek. The movement didn't pain him because you were just surprised, and not because you didn't want to feel his touch anymore.

There were some tears of guilt brimming at the corner of your eyes, one by one cascading down your cheek like a waterfall. You swallowed down a huge lump, guilty because you had put him — someone who deserved to get all the love that this world could offer — in such a complicated life because he fell in love with _you_.

Without warning, he wrapped his arm around you, pulling your body to lay down beside him. Even with how exclusive the room he was treated now, the hospital bed was made for one person after all. So you had to scoot closer towards him, carefully since you didn't want to hurt him.

The two of you bathed in each other's warmth, both having your eyes closed. With the comfortable silence, natural light that came from the sun, and the pristine atmosphere that surrounded you, it felt like you were home.

He felt like he was home.

You snuggled closer, resting your head on top of his chest to feel his heartbeat. It was calming, maybe this was the reason why he always wanted to be a small spoon. You felt safe, and once in a while being in the arms of someone that you love made you feel giddy.

"What happened to you?" You whispered under your breath, so soft that he almost couldn't catch it, "Why are you here?"

He didn't answer and just let out a small hum. But it wasn't the hum that you heard when he just didn't want to talk. It was one that you heard when he was extremely tired, so tired that he just wanted to stop seeing another light tomorrow.

You were always there though for every single time he was like that. So you raised your head to see him, palm cupping his cheek as you eyed him with concern.

Suna was the one who averted his gaze now as he looked down, didn't dare to catch your eyes. You could feel his hand trembling a little, not ready to tell you the reason why he was here in the first place.

You took his hand on your face, kissing it gently as you tried to reassure him that whatever was happening to him, you would be there. You were not going anywhere because that was the vow that you keep in your heart, even though the two of you were intertwined in matrimony yet.

"I couldn't." His voice cracked, followed by a sob, "I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't." He was pleading, to maybe a deity or some kind of omni being that could help him get through this.

"Rintarou—"

"And you will leave me." Your eyes widened from the sudden outburst. What made him so sure that you were going to leave? "You will leave me because I would only become a burden to you."

"No," You swept his bangs that fell on his face, "You know damn well that I will never leave you, Rintarou. I love you, and I have a promise that I am not going to abandon—"

"You didn't know that." He scoffed, hardening his heart in hope that it wouldn't be that hurt if somehow the universe would throw the worst for him, "You didn't know what happened to me, of course you would say that now."

You scrunched up your forehead, feeling so attacked as he was so stubborn about you leaving him. The way it felt like he was the one who wanted to push you away made everything even more complicated.

"Then tell me." But you tried to be as patient as you could, "Rintarou, tell me."

His breath hitched, biting his lips so hard that it bled. He had his hand balled into a fist, closing his eyes shut, counting to ten to calm himself—you told him about this one day when the two of you were in high school, and it was some of the things that kept him sane when your existence wasn't enough.

"I can't play volleyball anymore."

"W-what?" You heard that sentence, loud and clear, "Oh, Rin, I am sorry." Your voice was so small as your eyes scanned his whole body, searching for any kind of injury that slipped from your vision, "What's the doctor said about this? It's just temporary, right?"

You knew how volleyball had been his way of life. With volleyball, he felt like he had no burden on his shoulders. It was how he coped, the essential that helped him get through everything even way before he met you. "Have you done any physical therapy the time I am not here? Is there any progress?"

So you asked, you needed to know, you wanted to give him the same thing that you always bestowed upon him. The one thing that up until now still made him wonder about another tomorrow — _Hope._

"(Y/n), can't you see?" Both of his hands gripped on your hair, forcing you to look at him straight on the face. Fear coated his words as he shook his head, as if it answered all of the questions that you threw at him before.

You were panicked. After years went by no matter what happened you were _always_ successful when it came to bringing him back to see the light of hope.

Then terror gradually appeared all over your face as the next words came out from his lips. It burned your heart, and of course his. Like an acid that destroyed everything in their way, " _I can't walk anymore_."

But what was hope when he was already at the end of the line?


End file.
